Unfortunately We're Still Related
by Em the elf
Summary: Things fall off the straight and narrow in Rohan. Only two brave knights can save the day. Unfortunately Emily and George will have to do! COMPLETE
1. YMCA

A/N: Emily: Welcome to 'Unfortunately We're Still Related.' If you are new to the Emily and George world then you might want to read the prequels before you get totally confused. Other than that we should just get started because…wow…this took a long time!

George: things have been a little hectic round here. Em got uber drunk after getting here GCSE results. I'm going back to Uni soon. Em is still hyper from meeting Haldir, Eomer, Glorfindel, Gil Galad, Theoden, Denethor, Rumil, Lurtz and other random characters. Em is also starting at a new college soon so updates will come but at a slightly slower pace.

Disclaimer: We own the right to embarrass ourselves but nothing else.

Chapter One – Y.M.C.A

The smog rose on the horizon as George approached the stronghold Edoras. He gripped his sword tightly anticipating an attack from the enemy within. It had been two days since the call for help had come and still the King of Gondor had no idea what foul beast broke the peace of the fourth age. Each step forward struck fear in the heart of even one as brave as George. A low grumbling caused George to speed up his entrance to the silent city, 'What abominable creature could stifle a city so?' He thought. He was brought back to reality with a startling growl. There before his very eyes a dragon writhed in anger daring him to come closer. George quelled the whimper that threatened to sound and unsheathed his sword. The dragon stalked closer, George could barely make out its scaly mouth which seemed to being trying to speak.

"George." It whispered.

George froze

"George!" It called again. "George wake up!"

George could feel something shaking him.

"George you prat we have to go!" George opened one bleary eye and saw Emily hovering above him holding a slipper "If you don't wake up I'll hit you with this slipper…oh you decided to join the land of the living. Come on we leave for Rohan in ten minutes!"

"Urm…I think I might give it a miss this time. You and Legolas go on ahead without me." Images of the dragon came flooding back.

"What?! It will be a cool new adventure. You've always said you were bored ever since we got back from Boz and Hal's wedding."

"That is not true; I was occupied for at least a month after that threatening Legolas with castration." Opposed George.

"Come on, it'll be exciting!"

"Adventure, excitement a Jedi craves not these things." Said George.

"Stop quoting Yoda!"

"I was actually quoting Silent Bob if you must know."

"Fine then, Kai will just have to come instead and what with the nights being so cold and me being a pregnant human I'll have to snuggle up to both…"

"Stop! OK I'll come but only if you swear you will stop using your sordid fantasies about Kai as threats. What happened to Kai anyway?"

"He returned to Mirkwood where he discovered his pin-up status and is now starring in other fanfictions."

"Cool."

……

"Are you sure you want to come?" Asked Legolas for the last time.

"Positive and besides I feel fine. I've got the mood swings under control, the cravings have stopped and it is another two months before the baby is due so quit asking." Assured Emily.

George mounted his steed Durex and followed Legolas and Emily, who were upon Arod, out of the Minas Tirith.

"How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?" Began George.

Legolas and Emily perked up at this after an hour's silence.

"Ooooh I don't know, how many elves does it take to change a light bulb?" Asked Emily excitedly.

"No I was asking Legolas, I actually want to know. I asked every elf at Helm's Deep but all I got was 'Shut-up I'm fighting or 'Ahhhhh, Ahhh' and then they sprayed me with blood and quit talking. I found out how many Uruk-Hai it takes, the dude said: 'un' which I assumed was German for one."

"And so leads me to ask why I still talk to you and what in all intense and purposes you want to know that for?!" Replied Emily.

"I'm re-writing the encyclopaedia of Arda with all the importance facts that were left out. I feel it is my duty as King to leave a legacy to my people. As if introducing Pogs wasn't enough!" Scoffed George.

"Would it be too much to ask for you to not talk until we reach the campsite?" Asked Legolas.

…….

"I need a piss." George crawled off his bedroll and wondered off to find a suitable bush.

The three had camped in a small dell which sheltered them enough to provide a good nights sleep. Their three bedrolls were positioned next to each other with George annoyingly in the middle.

"I hope they have a caterer at Rohan, I'd hate to go rescuing on an empty stomach." Thought George absent mindedly as he wondered back to camp.

George lumbered back into to bed and made himself comfortable. Just as he started to dose off he felt an extra weight strewn across his stomach which was promptly joined by another across his chest. George slowly opened one eye and looked down to find Legolas and Emily's arms trying to find each other in their sleep.

"Urh…guys…" George started to panic as the wandering hand of Legolas proceeded to dip lower.

The scream could be heard across Middle-earth, even the residents of Valinor were awoken by the cries of terror from both man and elf. However, one remained blissfully unaware of that night's occurrences.

Next morning…

"Why are you two so quiet this morning?" Asked Emily as she chewed on her lembas.

"mumblemumblegayboymumble." Replied George.

"mumblemumblewashmyhandmumble." Replied Legolas.

"Right well when you two decide that English is your preferred language let me know!" Emily threw her lembas on the floor. "What I would give for some pork scratchings and salsa dip."

"We will arrive at Rohan late tomorrow hopefully things are not too dire as to that they cannot satisfy your needs." Comforted Legolas who sat beside his wife.

"Do you think they will have those little pots of crème fraichs I can dip those pickles in?"

"I'm sure of it." Lied Legolas.

"Does anyone else feel queasy?" Gulped George.

……..

"Does anyone else get the feeling that we are lost?" Announced Emily.

"We are not lost." Affirmed Legolas.

"You would say that, you led us here." Countered George.

"I am an elf, we do not get lost."

"What about that time when we were looking for that beer train I overloaded?"

"Don't excuse my elf of being lost!" Shouted Emily.

"You started it!" Protested George.

"Are you saying this is my fault that we are lost?!"

"No! Huh?!"

"Change the subject!" Advised Legolas.

"Why?"

"Mood swing!" Warned Legolas who had bared the brunt of most of them over the last seven months.

"Mood swing! I've never had a mood swing in my life!" Screamed Emily.

"Sorry hunny, I didn't mean it like…" It was too late for Legolas as a well directed punch hit him square in the jaw.

Decking counter: Two

"So this baby then," Approached George carefully, "Will it have pointy ears?"

"Slightly pointed." Answered Legolas through a stiff jaw.

"It will be the cutest baby ever." Gushed the newly sedate Emily.

"Will it be immortal?"

"Will you stop calling my baby an it!" Snapped Emily.

"Galadriel reckons it… I mean the baby will be immortal, if not though your trick of popping back to earth and coming back renewed might come in useful." Informed Legolas.

"But wouldn't the baby have to be born on earth for that to work?"

"If you thought I was going to give birth without as many drugs to numb the pain as possible you were sorely mistaken! Legolas and I are taking a return trip to earth for the birth of our child."

"You don't think giving birth to an elf might be slightly suspect?"

"We'll be out of there before the nurses can say 'Your husband's got lovely eyes.'"

"You should have the baby in Amsterdam." Suggested George.

"Amsterdam?" Asked Legolas.

"People are very forgiving in Amsterdam, they won't even notice your freaky baby!"

Decking Counter: Three.

"The border of Rohan is right ahead." Announced Legolas.

For unknown reasons the dramatic Lord of the Rings music started up as the three 'saviours' of Rohan descended onto the plains.

"I love this music." Sighed Emily as Arod made his way over the border.

"It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A. It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A!" The Village people could be heard.

"What the fuck!" George looked round for any sign of his worst nightmare.

"Why can I hear the Village People?" Yelped Emily.

"Something is wrong. Very wrong." George scanned the horizon, Rohan had changed.

…….

A/N: Emily: sorry it is short but once it all gets going hopefully the chapters will get longer.

George: Hopefully?

Emily: I don't see you typing! Any how here are the thank yous for the prologue at the end of the other chapter:

Pretendingtobesane – There isn't a villain per say!

Ayiicaalime – Ah my irrational friend you will pay for that fictional character comment. Oh and sorry for adding to the baby boom it only just occurred to me.

Meg-the-sexy-beast – You might not be so pleased when you meet our Eomer. However, Karl Urban is wonderful in the flesh!

Elemmire Lomion – Whoops sorry! I love the name. Here is the not so quick update.

Random-Shiny – I loved the quotes especially the granny one. The Rohan mystery will be revealed soon.

Limpet666 – Craig Parker is lovely. He was sooooooooooooooo funny and he gave me a hug! Oooooooh and he did a really wicked impression of Orlando! If you want to know more email me and I'll rant forever!

Poolbum – Was this soon enough?!


	2. Queer goings on

A/N: Emily: The 'magnificent' George head butted a glass light shade, shattered it and now has concussion. To top that off, we were at a wedding when our Dad decided that George's tie wasn't quite tight enough so proceeded to peanut him. This resulted in George almost passing out mid 'All Things Bright and Beautiful' due to lack of air. So without George for the time being we must press on…

Disclaimer: Nothing.

Chapter Two – Queer goings on.

"Make it stop! Make it stop!" Screamed George.

Legolas grabbed Durex's reins from George and pulled them back over the border.

"Thank you soooooo much."

"Things cannot be right when the Y.M.C.A welcomes you to a Kingdom." Remarked Emily.

"We have to go in there to find out what is wrong." Stated Legolas.

"No we don't." Squeaked George. "We can stay here."

Emily grabbed George by his ear and pulled him back over the border.

"Nooo! I'm melting! My ears can't take this abuse!"

"It's just a song!"

"It's more than a song!" Protested George. "It is a sign."

"A sign for what?" Asked Legolas.

"That." George pointed at three riders approaching.

"Is it me or do they look oddly coordinated?" Commented Emily as more riders appeared and surrounded the humans and elf.

"Not again." Mumbled Legolas.

"You would think they would be slightly more friendly toward their rescuers!" Said George dryly.

"Rescuers? Why would we need rescuing?" Asked one of the soldiers.

"Don't put them off! That elf can rescue me anytime!" Said another.

"Hey that's my husband!" Shouted Emily.

"Pity." Whispered the Rohirrim among one another.

Legolas gulped visibly.

"Told you the Y.M.C.A was a sign." Pointed out George.

"Why would you think we needed rescuing?"

"Urm…well…" Stammered George. "A whim I suppose." He finished lamely.

"What are your names?"

"I am George, King of Gondor, this is my sister Emily, Princess of Mirkwood and this is her husband Prince Legolas." Introduced George.

"Oooh royalty! Well you are most welcome to Gondor. King Eomer will be ever so pleased to see you." Announced a soldier. "Especially you." He added eyeing up Legolas again.

Emily narrowed her eyes, "Something is very wrong."

…..

The last time Emily and George had stepped foot in Edoras the cold stone walls were just visible past the draping tapestries of green. Now was a different story…

"I do not think I have ever seen so much pink in my entire life." Remarked Legolas as he peered round at the newly decorated throne room.

"Before Eomer comes we need to establish what the smeg is going on lest we end up in fluffy pink handcuffs." Suggested George.

"Let's add up the clues here," Began Emily. "One: A cute guy turns up in Gondor with no trousers, two: the Rohirrim have discovered hygiene products, three: they have started eyeing up MY elf and four: the décor in here has gone camp to the extreme!"

"How could this have happened?" Legolas looked around at the men who were still staring at him.

"I don't know but I am going to find out!" Announced Emily.

"Who do you think you are, Mrs Marple?! And will someone please tell me what exactly IS going on?!" Yelled George.

"I would have thought it was obvious as soon as we stepped over the border."

"Nope." Said the ever on the ball George.

"Everybody is gay George." Stated Emily.

"What everyone?"

"Everyone is gay George."

"Even Eomer?"

"Everyone George."

"What Gambling as well?"

"Everyone is gay George."

"Not Hama?!"

"No not Hama."

"But I thought you said everyone was gay."

"They are. However, Hama is dead you idiot."

"Welcome friends of Rohan." Interrupted Eomer.

"Oh my…" Gaped Emily.

"Has he had highlights? Whispered George.

"Welcome to Rohan, home of the horse lords." Continued the King.

"More like homos of the horse lords." Added George under his breath.

"We are delighted you have joined us on this special occasion."

"Occasion?" Asked Emily.

"The annual…"

'I'm so glad he said 'annual' then.' Thought Emily.

"…feast to celebrate a new series of 'Queer eye for the straight guy.'"

The Rohirrim present let out a loud cheer.

"Speaking of queer eye for the straight guy I would watch out for poor old Legolas, he looks like he's about to be eaten alive." Suggested George to his sister.

"Well we thank you for your kindness but we really must be going now." Announced Emily.

"But you've only just got here; you must be exhausted after travelling in your condition. We have just redone the bath house, we have some wonderful new scents on offer."

"You should try the honey and apricot mixture. I've just whipped up a new batch." Began a servant.

Emily's resolve started to crumble around her, "Well I suppose it wouldn't hurt to stay for a bit."

Legolas began to panic as it became increasingly hard to fend of multiple attacks on his behind. George, however, found the situation extremely amusing and would so until they started to turn on him, which took all of thirty seconds.

"Ahhh! Um…yes…well…right we should be off!" Yelped George.

"How are we supposed to find out what is going on if we leave?" Asked Emily quietly.

"Well I think it is quite obvious that they have all been watching a bit too much Graham Norton!"

"Come on, it's not exactly normal when an entire city, let alone Kingdom discovers, and pardon me for putting this so crudely, their back passage!" This last bit came out slightly louder than Emily would have wished for.

"Fine but I swear if anything goes wrong I'm blaming you!" Sighed George.

"We are honoured to except your hospitality." Announced Emily.

"We are?" Gulped Legolas.

"Don't worry hunny I'll take care of you." Smiled Emily.

And Emily kept her promise for about two minute where then she went off with Eomer discussing baby clothes and breathing techniques.

"It's just me and you Legolas." Said George as they were surrounded by Rohan men.

"Probably not the best comment to make in our current predicament." Commented Legolas.

"Perhaps if we make a run for it."

"We'd never make it though the crowd."

"Well what do you suggest?"

"A diversion!"

"That's your strategy for everything!"

"What about that disc thing you had?" Asked Legolas.

"You mean my cd player?"

"Yeah."

"What good will that do?"

"You could play that Y.M.C something song; they seem to respond to that."

"Is a response something we really want to get from them?"

"It is worth a try."

"Do I look like someone who carries a Village People LP?! Wait…I've got it!"

George grabbed Emily's bag from the floor.

"Magic bag I would like the Village People." As ever on cue the Village People popped out and began a rendition of 'In the navy.' George and Legolas took this opportunity to sneak out while the Rohirrim worked on their dance routines.

"Right we should find Emily now and convince her to leave." Stated Legolas.

George dissolved into a fit of giggles.

"What?" Asked Legolas failing to see the funny side.

"You convince Emily! That's the funniest thing I have heard in a long time!"

"Excuse me."

"When was the last time you convince Emily to do anything. If anyone is doing the convincing in your marriage it is definitely her!"

"That is not true."

"Oh really, then why is it that you allowed her to stalk you in Lothlorien, went along with taking a detour to Gondor on your way to Boromir and Haldir's wedding and how is it that your seven month pregnant wife is able to come on a quest of unknown danger?"

"Well…I…she…" Legolas stopped and scowled at George.

"You know what Emily used to say about guys?"

"No."

"I shall quote her…'Guys are like floor tiles, if you lay them right the first time you can walk over them for years.' You elfy are possibly the epitome of that statement."

"Emily will leave Rohan! I will make damn sure of it!" Shouted Legolas as he stormed off.

"The pride of an elf should always be toyed with!" Laughed George. "Now to find a safe place to hide. I would hate to be surrounded by the Rohirrim again, not to mention getting in the way when Emily shows Legolas who is boss!"

……

A/N: Emily: As I write this authors note George is currently driving to University, and will not be populating our house till Christmas. Don't tell him but I actually cried when he left! However, as soon as we sort out the email link George will be back on board with new adventure. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed here are the individuals:

Chaotic Jinx- What does it mean?!!!!!!!!!! Crazy monkeys eh? I like my violence how I like me men har… 'Emily get interrupted by Mr Censor.' Aragorn and Arwen are back to their previous activities you will be pleased to know.

CourtneyNKay – No probs, finding it really wicked. Shame you are leaving but we wish you all the best cookies from Emily and George bakeries. The deal with Rohan is slowly unravelling…

Elemmire lomion – Glad you like, hope we (well I!) are keeping you entertained.

Shadowz – Ah Amsterdam! Oh bye the way anyone who read this and is from Amsterdam I salute you! I will be needing drugs, weirdly the birth scene is alreadyb written (about the only thing that is!) Feathers look cute on babies!

Pretendingtobesane – Major bummer! I shall be checking it out as soon as limpet666 stops annoying me on msn!

Limpet666 – That previous comment I shall retract! I apologize! He He, I'm writing a reviewers response and talking to you at the same time!

Poolbum – I mentioned all my reviewers but thought it was best to leave out the detils of my Haldir/Boromir plotline!


	3. Pan Troglodytes

A/N: Emily: Guess who's missing again! Yes George is decidedly absent; apparently he is far too busy and important to hang out with us plebs! Any how, I've just started college and all seems good and well so far… just wait till they find out about my lotr obsession! They won't know what has hit them. I'm surprised I've kept it in this long!

Disclaimer: I'm begging you down on my knees not to sue me!

Chapter Three – Pan Troglodytes.

"Emily, I must put my foot down and insist that we leave immediately. I know you want to stay and figure out what has happened here but for the safety of your brother and my own I am adamant that we leave this accursed place." Declared Legolas

"Why are you talking to a mirror?" Asked Emily who walked into the chamber they had been given.

"I was practicing." Admitted the elf.

"Practicing for what? Are you writing me a poem?"

"No."

"Why not? You never write me poetry."

"I've never really thought about it."

"Can you write me a poem?"

"Well I suppose I can try."

"Go on then."

"Go on then what?"

"The poem."

"I haven't written one yet."

"We've been married for nearly a year now; you are sure taking your time!"

"I promise it will be done before the baby arrives."

"Lovely! I'm just off to show Gambling how to do a French plat."

"Wait! I need to say something."

"Can it be postponed I have people waiting."

"No I am afraid it cannot."

"Is something wrong, did George make fun of you again?"

"Well, he did but that's not the point. This place is wrong. We are leaving as soon as the horses have rested enough." Announced Legolas.

"You would make a wonderful King." Giggled Emily as she left the room.

"I must say you handled that brilliantly." Laughed George who crept out of his hiding place. "You sure told her."

"I do not see you trying to get us out of here!" Snapped Legolas. "Now if you don't mind I need to have a word with my wife!"

Legolas stormed out of the room leaving an amused George to help himself to Legolas' lembas.

…..

"No it needs to be slightly longer."

"I cannot just force it to be longer."

"Maybe if you stretched it a bit."

"Will that work?"

"It worked on Legolas and I play with his every morning."

"I suppose his does look very long."

"Can I borrow my wife for a second?" Legolas interrupted Emily and Gambling's discussion about plats.

"What's wrong Legolas?"

"I am sick of you treating me like a floor tile!" Shouted the elf once they were out of human hearing range.

Emily raised an eyebrow, "You have my undivided attention Legolas."

"We are leaving Rohan and we are leaving now."

"But how are we supposed to solve what is going on if we leave?"

"I don't care. I am sick of being treated like a piece of meat. If we do not leave I fear for the safety of my ar…"

"Whoa there elfy! I told you that I would make sure you were okay."

"But you didn't, you wondered off with Eomer and left George and I to fend for ourselves! Now I am telling you, you are to return with me to Mirkwood this instant!"

Emily stood in stunned silence, suddenly her knees went weak and if it was not for her husbands quick reflexes she would have collapsed to the floor.

"Emily!" Cried Legolas. "Someone fetch me some water she's fainted!"

…..

"Where am I?" Asked Emily.

'This is your sub-conscious.' Explained Emily's brain.

"Why am I here?"

'You fainted.'

"Cool! So how long am I going to be here?"

'You have precisely six minutes and three seconds until you wake up.'

"Wow! Isn't this place pretty? It's like a giant, lilac mushroom."

'If you say so.' Scoffed Emily's brain.

"Whoa what's that?!"

'I believe that would be a _Pan Troglodytes_.'

"A what?!"

'Or more commonly known as a Chimpanzee, did you know the gestation period of a chimpanzee usually lasts for 236 days?'

"Why is there a Chimp in my subconscious and how in Jebus' name do you know that?!"

'This is your subconscious, anything can happen.'

"And the know it all thing..?" Probed Emily.

'Like I said, anything can happen.'

"Here lil' monkey, come to Auntie Emily." She cooed.

'Auntie? Give George more credit than that!'

"Quiet!"

'I'm your brain you muppet, only you can hear me!'

"Oh right. Here little primate come here."

The chimpanzee seemed incompliant for a few moments but then slowly began to make its little chimpy way over to Emily.

"Can I have a hug?"

'You do realise that it can't understand you.' Mocked Emily's brain.

"Don't call Cumquat an it! Cumquat's a smart monkey aren't you?"

At this point Cumquat poked Emily in the eye.

'I like him already!'

"Oh shut-up! Well Cumquat we cannot just leave you here, we will have to find you a new home."

'This is a subconscious monkey, you can't rehome a subconscious monkey!'

"Oh yes I bloody well ca…"

Emily was suddenly released from the land of subconscious and found herself staring up at Legolas.

"Emily! Thank the Valar!"

"Baby! Did I land on the baby?!" Cried Emily suddenly.

"The baby is fine sweetheart. How are you feeling?" Asked Legolas.

"Woozy."

"I should never have shouted at you. I am so sorry."

"It would have taken a lot more than you yelling to knock me out. Maybe riding to Rohan wasn't such a good idea."

"I should have put my foot down earlier, this is my fault."

"Hey don't say that, I'm not exactly the easiest of people to persuade."

"I should have made…uh…Emily…why…"

"Monkey!" Yelled George as he entered he room.

Emily looked down beside her bed and there seated on the floor was Cumquat.

"Cumquat! I thought you said I couldn't rehome a subconscious monkey."

"Who are you talking to hunny?" Asked Legolas.

"Myself." Answered Emily simply.

"Monkey!" Yelled George again.

"George meet Cumquat. Cumquat meet your new owner."

"Owner? Really?! Oooh I love you, love you, love you. My monkey! Come to daddy little Cumquat." George picked up his newly found monkey.

"That should keep him happy when I announce that we are to stay in Rohan until you are due to give birth." Said Legolas begrudgingly.

"What?!" Exclaimed Emily in surprise.

"Hell no!" Shouted George.

"Emily is to rest for the next two months. I am not risking her fainting again!"

"But we are under attack!" Yelped George.

"My main priority is my wife and our baby and if this means we have to stay here for eternity then so be it!"

"Wow Legolas actually said something forceful." Commented George.

"I really don't think I could love that elf anymore than I do right this second." Gushed Emily.

…….

"Right the plan is this…" Began Emily. She sat on her bed surrounded by Legolas, George and Cumquat. "Firstly we need to start asking some questions."

"Yes because…'Eomer why are you as bent as Legolas' bow?' will go down brilliantly!" Said George sarcastically.

Decking counter: Four.

"Sorry reflex movement." Flushed Emily.

"Emily is right we need to start asking questions. The first one being; 'Where are all the women?'" Stated Legolas.

"If we find them we will probably uncover some answers." Agreed Emily.

"But where do we start looking?"

………

"Eomer may I ask you something?" Legolas approached the King of Rohan carefully.

"Absolutely anything Legolas. Why don't you come and sit next to me?"

"Uh…I'm find here really."

"But you are right next to the door."

"I need to get back to Emily soon, she just wanted to know if she could…um…talk to some women…about child birth that is."

"Women?!"

"Yes you know, females, the fairer sex…"

"My dear elf I must say that you put the fairer sex to shame." Purred Eomer.

"Right…well…I'll just be leaving now." Legolas turned to make a quick exit.

"Wait…you wanted to know about the women. It's the darndest thing really, one minute they were everywhere the next they were all screaming blue murder and moved out." Explained Eomer

"Moved out?"

"Yes. They set up home on the plains."

"Thank you for your help." Legolas was now halfway out the door.

"Anytime sweetie."

……

"They moved out?!" Questioned George. "Are you sure?"

"That is what Eomer said." Answered Legolas.

"But why? It doesn't make sense."

"It makes perfect sense." Began Emily. "I know I'd be pissed if Legolas smelt better than me and he was more stylish and beauti…hang on."

"Bad example sis." Sniggered George.

Legolas rolled his eyes.

"Damn you elf! You're even cute when you do that!" Emily yelled.

"Duck and cover! Mood swing alert!" George grabbed Cumquat and crawled under the bed.

"Emily?" Legolas watched as Emily sat fuming.

"Legolas would you do me a favour?"

"Anything darling."

"Could you wear this?" Emily produced a brown paper bag with two holes in it.

"Excuse me?!"

"I am feeling fat, frumpy and ugly. You and that annoyingly cute face of yours is not helping."

"Is it safe to come out yet?" Whimpered George.

"Yes you are safe." Replied Emily.

George pulled himself out from under the bed and placed Cumquat on the bed.

"So what are…" George stopped. "Legolas, you do realise there is a bag on your head."

"Really? I never would have noticed."

"Was that sarcasm Master Greenleaf?" Smirked George.

"Come on guys we need to concentrate, what are we going to about the women?"

"George and I are going to find them and get some answers and you my love are going to stay here and have your every whim seen to by the men of Rohan."

"My every whim?" Asked Emily slyly.

"Within reason." Warned Legolas.

……

A/N: Emily: And so the mystery continues… Well hopefully George will be back on board to write the next chapter, which will involve a heart to heart between Legolas and George on their way to find the women of Rohan. Oh and to all you Kai fans get ready for the return of the bad boy himself!

Thank yous:

Ayiicaalime – Hunny I love you too! I miss you. Gay is in this season!

Limpet666 – Red dwarf is smegging genius! Lembas! I shall be copyrighting that you little Je/bas thingy!

Chaotic Jinx – Ooooh not up to your expectations. Sorry! Hopefully this chappy is better?!

Poolbum – One of my genius ideas. I also didn't tell Karl Urban the plot of this story! Monkey!!!!!!!!!!!!


	4. Weird Fish

A/N: Emily: Wow after being at college for a total of four days I managed to make…are you ready for this..? Drum roll please…one. Yep you heard me. On the plus side she is just as crazy as me so on the whole a pretty good start.

A/N2: Oh yeah George is still absent but he has promised to text me a note by the end of this chapter!

Disclaimer: Although the idea of handcuffs is very appealing I rather not be sued and arrested.

Chapter Four – Weird Fish.

"Are you sure you don't want anything?" Asked Legolas for the fifth time.

"I am positive! You and George just go and find the women." Answered Emily.

"We are leaving in a moment but I just want to make sure you will be okay without me."

"Legolas, I will absolutely fine. I don't need a babysitter! Well… I might need one at some point but they will not be looking after me."

"And you are sure you do not need anything?"

"Nothing!"

"Fine, fine I'm going. Look after yourself, and remember that I love you."

"I love you too you silly elf, now go!"

Legolas had almost made it out the door when…

"Wait! I would like one thing…" Called Emily.

"And what would that be?"

"A snickers flapjack."

"I am going in search of migrating women not a Tescos."

"You explained Tescos to the elf?" Sniggered George who turned up with eighteen travel bags.

"You pack like a woman." Stated Emily. (A/N: Little dig at how much crap George carted off to Uni).

"Is all that really necessary?" Asked Legolas.

"Yes." Assured George.

Emily sniggered, "For someone who sure does complain about this place you seriously do fit in!"

"I am prepared for every eventuality."

"Including the misplacement of your precious fish keyring?"

George's hand went straight to his belt buckle where his weird fish keyring was (and WAS being the operative word here) kept.

"Nooooooo! Where is my beloved, hand made, steel crafted and most treasured weird fish keyring?!" Cried George.

"I borrowed it." Whispered Emily.

"You borrowed it? And..?"

"And…temporarily placed it in a location that cannot be spoken of."

"Huh?"

"I lost it."

"What?!" George lunged at his sister but was held back by Legolas.

"I think you may be overreacting, it is just a keyring." Reasoned Legolas.

"Just a..!" George was outraged, "That was a limited edition, handmade icon of everything I stand for!"

"A fish?"

"Yes! However. The conformist in me also holds the monkey as a base of where to construct the theory of ones behaviour."

Legolas did not know what to say to this. In fact not even the author knew what to say to that.

"I promise I will have it back to you by the time you return from this mini quest you were supposed to go on twelve minutes ago." Said Emily.

It took the good part of an hour for Legolas and George to depart.

"I think we should head east." Suggested Legolas.

"Why?"

"I sense a disturbance there."

"And you want to head towards the disturbance?"

"Yes."

"I am not entirely sure that you are in complete possession of your faculties."

"Then what do you suggest?"

"I say we go that way." George pointed.

"That is east."

"In that case we shall go that way." George pointed again.

"That is where we just came from."

"Oh so it is. Well then that leaves us with only one option…"

"Two." Interrupted Legolas.

"Excuse me?"

"We have two options. Since you have ruled out east and we have just come from the west we have a choice of north or south."

"South! Who ever heard of riding south?! We ride north." Decided George.

Legolas reluctantly followed.

Two hours later…

"You wouldn't happen to have any food would you?" Asked George.

"You are telling me that you did not pack any food in that multitude of bags."

"In a way…yes." Began George. "In my defence I was thrown of course by the untimely separation from my beloved fish."

"How in the name of the Valar did you become so enthralled by an inanimate object?"

"It is a long story of much woe."

"At the rate we are going I think we have some time to spare."

"Well where to begin really? Hmm…It all started on the morning of the 25th of July in the year of 1993. I was dressed in all my finery as the family was invited to a family reunion at a distant cousin's abode." George let out a pained sighed. "It was all going so beautifully, the family was all together, the barbeque was splendid, a five year old Emily had been successfully pushed in the pond. Everything was of the utmost perfection until the time when nature called. I was quite a bright seven year old therefore had no problem finding the bathroom all by myself, so in I went. It was only when I wished to leave the bathroom I noticed the peril of my situation."

"What happened?"

"Some bratty nine year old twins had locked me in! I called and called but to no avail. I suppose someone would have noticed me missing sooner or later but I simply could not wait. I absolutely despise small spaces to an extent."

"To an extent?"

"Put me in a small space with Sarah Michelle Gellar and I am hardly going to complain! Anyway, there in that toilet I frantically searched for a key or a paperclip, anything I could use to my advantage on the lock. It was then when I stuffed my hands into my pockets in frustration that I discovered the fish. Upon close examination I noticed that the tail was the perfect size and shape to set me free. I carry that fish around as a sign of freedom." (A/N: E: The tragic thing is that this story is actually true). "I don't suppose you have ever been locked in a toilet before Legolas?"

"Cannot say I have, although I did get trapped in a hole once."

"Oooh embarrassing elf story!" Cheered George.

"I was also seven, Kai and I were playing hide and seek. I was running to find a suitable hiding place when the all of a sudden the ground caved in beneath me. It turns out that I had fallen into a long since forgotten bear trap. It was far to steep for me to climb out of. It also turns out that Kai is really bad at hide and seek and gave up looking for me after five minutes!"

"That sounds like Kai. How did you get out?"

"I didn't. I had to be rescued." Grumbled Legolas turning slightly red. "After a good three hours father decided that his seven year old son was not as safe as he previously thought he was alone in Mirkwood forest. Eventually half the Mirkwood army turned up and stood around staring at me in the hole."

"If only the ground could swallow you up."

"Well after that literally happening I decided that accepting their help was a much wiser option." Finished Legolas.

"Probably for the best." Agreed George. "Otherwise you wouldn't have been able to impregnate my sister and in turn I wouldn't have been able to give you this…" George moved Durex over to Arod and kicked Legolas in the shin.

"Hey!" Objected the elf.

"I still haven't forgiven you!"

"It has been months now."

"I don't care, you still must be punished."

"You do not think that locking me in Gondor's dungeons for a month was punishment enough?!"

"You had it easy in there!" Defended George.

"I was not fed for half of it!" Yelled Legolas.

"That was not intentional; I just forgot you were there."

Legolas let out a growl.

"Don't get prissy with me; I thought I handled the situation rather well."

"If it was not for Emily paying you an extortionate sum of money you would have had me castrated!"

"Yes well it would have stopped you from sowing your wild oats."

Legolas threw George a dirty look.

"I do not see why you are so objectionable to the idea of becoming an uncle."

"Bad things will come of this baby, mark my words." Uttered George pessimistically. "Other than that I quite like the idea of becoming an uncle. I think I'd make a great uncle, I'd take little Spike to the park…"

"Spike?!"

"Or Buffy depending on the sex…"

"I am not calling my child Spike or Buffy!"

"That's up for discussion."

"No it is not."

"I wouldn't want to be you when you shatter Emily's dream names."

"Emily chose those names?!"

"Yep." Lied George. "Hey it is not so bad; at least she is not naming it after a collection of leaves."

"I really do not know why I put up with you."

"Because we would be lost if we had gone east." Grinned George as he pointed to a group of women setting up camp.

"You do realise that we did a full circle and are now actually east of where we left off." Smirked Legolas.

"Hmmm…That may be but where is this disturbance you were rattling on about?" Countered George.

"There." Legolas pointed at the women.

"I know this is hard for you to grasp being married to Emily and all but not all women are dangerous."

"I never said it was a dangerous disturbance. I said it was a disturbance."

"What's the disturbance?"

"They are squashing the grass."

"You have spent way too much time as an elf!"

As George and Legolas approached the women watched them warily.

"Maybe they are all men hating lesbians." Whispered George.

"Greetings women of Rohan. I am Prince Legolas of Mirkwood and this is King George of Gondor."

"My Lords we are honoured. What may we do for you?" Asked one lady.

"We have come to enquire about the goings on in Edoras." Stated Legolas eloquently.

"Why are all the guys gay?" Asked George bluntly.

"You must leave Rohan immediately!" Gasped the woman. "You are not safe."

"Why?"

"We don't know rightly. One day everything was fine and the next everything started to change."

"How did they change?" Asked Legolas.

"The men started to wash properly. Then they began to take pride in their appearance and brush their hair."

"You said we were not safe…" Probed an antsy George.

"Any male who enters Rohan starts to change like the Rohirrim." Warned the woman.

""We have been in Rohan for three days now." Explained Legolas. "We have not experienced anything."

"Maybe it is just the men then."

"I'm a man." Yelped George.

The woman furrowed her brows in confusion as she looked George over. George borrowed one of Legolas' dirty looks and threw one at her.

"You are not of this world." Legolas reminded quietly. "Thank you for your help, hopefully we can sort this situation out as soon as possible."

"Well that was useful!" Grumbled George as they began their journey back to Edoras.

"What could cause a city of men to suddenly change sexuality?" Pondered Legolas.

"Too much pink lemonade?"

Legolas ignored this.

"What could hold such a power over the race of men?"

"Brad Pitt in a skirt." Offered George.

"You are not helping!"

"Okay okay, what about an AWOL wizard with a screwed sense of humour?"

"You could be on to something."

"Who are the candidates?"

"All the Istari's have left these shores except…"

"Gandalf." They said in unison.

"When was the last time we saw him?" Asked Legolas.

"Boromir and Haldir's wedding. Gimli and he went missing."

"What?!"

"Well nobody was that bothered so we forgot to tell you."

"We had best get back to Emily and let her know what we have found out."

……

"Here little fishy, come here little fishy." Emily was crouching under a table frantically searching.

"Are you sure you should be doing that in your condition?" Came a voice form the door.

……

Legolas and George came bursting into Emily's room only to grind to a halt when I saw who was also there.

"What are you doing here?" Asked Legolas bitterly.

Sensing Legolas' mood Emily decided to lighten the mood.

"Look who found your fish."

"Woohoo! Dude you are immense!"

"It is good to see you again Legolas, it seems you have been busy." Grinned Kai.

…….

A/N: Emily: Yay Kai is back!

George: And so am I!!!!! Sorry guys I am such a student slacker!

Emily: Nobody is going to disagree with that.

George: Yeah whatever! Anyhow who is excited about this 'any male who goes in Rohan becomes gay?' Did you really think elves got out of it that easily? He he just wait till it all kicks off.

Emily: Speaking of slackers some of you people out there aren't reviewing! Here are the thank yous to those who did review…

Pretendingtobesane – I'm glad you think it is getting better. I had a horrible feeling my standards were slipping!

Ayiicaalime – Go me! Everyone needs a subconscious monkey!

Emerald Eyed Cutie – George is back so you can save your air fairs. I get the distinct impression that you are as insane as us.

Lil Smartass – The Red Dwarf was a moment of pure genius on my part and I am guessing that a few people got it.

Poolbum – Kai is pronounced K-eye. Ahh Charlotte and Cumquat should date!

Limpet666 – We are taking the world wide available drug of way too much spare time, good old fashioned rock music and a strange substance we found down the back of the sofa.


	5. Fairy Godmother

A/N: George: Eh up chucks!

Emily: You sound like a scouse farmer.

George: sticks tongue out Who's feeling immature today? I am!

Disclaimer: I own nothing including the gum I nicked from George's room.

Chapter Five - Fairy Godmother.

"I thought I'd just swing by and see how my favourite human duo was doing." Kai tousled Emily's hair fondly as Legolas narrowed his eyes.

"They are fine, now you can leave." Snapped Legolas.

"Be nice." Chided Emily. "Kai said he would help us figure out what is going on here."

"How king of him." Replied Legolas through gritted teeth.

"Emily told me you went in search of the women of Rohan, any luck?"

"Yes actually…" And so Legolas and George relayed what they had found out.

"Gandalf? What motive would Gandalf have?" Asked Emily.

"I would think that was abundantly clear to the girl that got him banned from every kingdom because he 'freaked' her out." Pointed out George.

"Well he is freaky." Pouted Emily.

"That still does not explain why he decided to punish the men of Rohan." Added Legolas.

"What about this whole Gimli thing?" Asked Kai. "You said they went missing…"

"Yeah and..?" Asked Emily.

"Is anyone else thinking what I am thinking?" Groaned the elf.

"We are trying not to." Gulped Legolas.

"They went to summer camp where they learnt to braid each others beards." Suggested Emily taking herself away from the disturbing images to a happy place.

"But how does Gandalf and Gimli's extra curricular activities link to Rohan? Something does not add up." Sighed Legolas.

"We need answers." Said Emily.

"From the only wizard that can give us them." Finished George.

"How do you go about finding a missing wizard?" Pondered Emily.

"Look in a hat." Answered George.

"That's a magician dumbass!"

"Ask his short, stumpy assistant." Answered Kai. "If we find Gimli we find Gandalf. I mean how hard can it be to find the noisiest Dwarf in Arda?"

"Well you guys best be off then."

"I'm staying here." Stated Legolas. Before Emily could protest Legolas continued, "Who knows how long this will take. At this precise moment my priority is you and the baby."

"Does that mean I am going on my own?" Whimpered George.

"Oh grow up; you're supposed to be the King of Gondor." Laughed Emily.

"Why doesn't Kai go with him?" Smirked Legolas.

"I couldn't possibly. I have already promised Lady Emily to take up the position of Mirkwood royal bodyguard."

"Is that so?" Legolas practically growled. "Then it looks like George is going alone."

"Stupid, proud, jealous elves." Whispered George as he hugged his sister and went off to ready Durex.

……

"You are the King of Gondor, you are brave, fierce and absolutely…bloody terrified." Mumbled George as he made his way over the plains of Rohan. He was headed for Lothlorien t try and pick up some clues as to the whereabouts of the bumbling Dwarf.

……

"Legolas may I have a word with you in private pleas?" Asked Kai. Legolas reluctantly dragged himself away from doting over Emily.

"What can I do for you Kai?" Asked Legolas coldly.

"We have been friends for all our lives. I do not want that that to end over a silly little mistake…" Kai was interrupted.

"You kissed my wife!"

"It was not intentional."

"Not intentional!"

"I thought we had put that behind us."

"Yes well the thing in Lothlorien did not help the situation."

"What thing?"

"You kissed me!"

"Well technically you initiated the kiss…" The look on Legolas' face told Kai it was probably best never to mention that again, "…and I am sure that George's Jedi tricks had something to do with it."

"I suppose so." Relented Legolas.

"Friends?" Kai held out his hand.

"Friends." Legolas grasped Kai's forearm in a friendly warrior greeting.

"Excellent! So now you wouldn't mind accompanying me to the dining hall."

"Why?"

"I am sure your majesty has noticed that us elves are more than passing fair and in a place like this need all the help we can get walking room to room."

"I'll watch your back, you watch mine." Smiled Legolas.

"Just like old times." Grinned Kai.

……

"Ah Cumquat, on such a fine day it is a shame we have been banished from a place of safety…well relative safety…and sent on a mission of great import that only the valiant King of Gondor would do to carry out such a task." Announced George trying to make himself feel better.

Cumquat scoffed.

"It's all right for you, you're a monkey. You don't have to face certain death everyday of your life. Would you like me to tell you how many assassination attempts I have narrowly avoid?"

Cumquat nodded.

"Fifty-Three!"

Cumquat patted George on the head.

"I know you love me Cumquat."

"You don't think exiling every Harry Potter fan had anything to do with the assassination attempts?" Came a female voice.

"They had to be punished!" Defended George. "Hang on…Am I speaking to myself?"

"Nope."

"Are you my conscience?"

"Guess again."

"Is that you Cumquat?"

"Monkeys cannot talk." Laughed the female voice. "Besides that chimpanzee is a boy."

"Then who in all that is cheese and toasty are you?!"

"Your fairy Godmother." As if by magic (actually it was magic) a little blue fairy appeared on Durex's mane.

"I really need to separate my weed from my oregano; I knew that Casserole didn't taste right!"

"I am not a figment of your 'above the clouds' exploits!"

"I am sorry but I don't believe in fairies."

The little blue fairy toppled over, rolled down Durex's neck and curled into a heap in George's lap.

"Urm…little fairy…are you okay? Cumquat I think I just killed the fairy."

Cumquat nodded then with his cute little chimpy hand picked the fairy up and with the intent of eating her moved his cute little chimpy hand towards his cute little chimpy mouth.

"Ahh! Put me down!" Cried the fairy.

"I thought you were dead." George raised an unimpressed eyebrow as he extracted the fairy from Cumquat's cute little chimpy grip.

"I was trying to scare you. You shouldn't say things like that; it does no good for a fairy's disposition." She scolded.

"Sorry. May I ask what your name is?"

"Gem."

"That's an annoyingly pretty name. Well Gem you can go now."

"What?!"

"I'm sorry but fairy Godmothers do not just appear randomly."

"Whereas, magic bags, TNT, floating trifles and the fact that you're on Middle-earth is completely normal and happens all of the time! Hmm?"

"Fine, what is it that you want?" Sighed George.

"I don't want anything, I am here for you."

"Oooh do I get three wishes? Oooh I want an elephant with pink ears and a…"

"That's a genie."

"Can I have a genie then instead?"

"I am here to help you on this quest!"

"You're nice an all Gem but I still think I'd prefer a genie."

"You are intolerable." Snapped Gem.

"Thank you!" Replied George brightly.

"Look do you want me to help you or not?!"

"Go on then. You can start by telling me where Gimli is, actually scrap that we might as well go straight for Gandalf."

"Why do you want to find Gandalf?"

"To get him to quit the frankly quite lame spell of his. Between you and me; he's losing his edge."

"What spell?"

"How are you supposed to help me when you know even less than Cumquat does?!"

"I am here to help you solve the Rohan problem."

"Hence the need for Gandalf." George practically yelled.

"Gandalf has nothing to do with the Rohan problem."

"What?!"

"So where are we headed?" Asked Gem changing the subject.

"Well nowhere now since my one and only lead has been disintegrated by a shiny blue toothpick!"

"Hey don't fret so at least you don't have to witness what Emily is." Gem smiled.

"Huh?"

"You know…the changes."

"What changes?"

"Weren't you listening to what that woman told you?"

"The men begin to change, so?"

"Any male who enters Rohan changes. You are only exempt from that because of your origins."

"And Legolas because he is an elf." Added George.

Gem shook her head slowly.

"No I can assure you he is fine."

"What were the first changes?" Asked Gem trying to make the penny drop.

"Style and general hygiene…but Legolas looks clean anyway…he couldn't possibly…" It dawned on George that it could be possible. "Emily will go mental! He can't be gay, Emily will kill him!"

"I suppose this would be a good time to go back and warn them." Suggested Gem.

"Good plan." George turned Durex around and headed back to Edoras.

Unfortunately…

"Look out!" Screamed Gem.

Durex halted abruptly at the edge of the hole, consequently being the only one who did not fall in.

"We're in a hole." Pouted Gem.

"I had noticed." Frowned George as he checked Cumquat for injuries. "Wait! Urm…hole…I know something…Ah! The Mirkwood army will save us!"

"Are you sure about that?"

"They saved Legolas."

"He is their Prince."

"Good point." George took a big breath. "HELP!!!"

"That will not work; we are in the middle of nowhere."

"Durex…good horsy…go fetch Legolas and Arod…go on…go to Edoras." George cooed.

Durex began to move obediently…in the wrong direction.

"Where is he going?" Cried Gem.

"Towards Gondor it would seem." Huffed George. "Okay fairy it's your turn. Go and poof off to Edoras and get help."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I can only transport into a bodily form in you presence."

"So much for helping." Grumbled George. "Oh well we have some time to spare I suppose."

"How so?"

"Well if Legolas was to like guys he would want someone as sickenly handsome as him, which rules out the entire human male population. He would want a fellow ellon."

"Well he won't find one of them in Rohan." Smiled Gem feeling slight relief.

"No he wo…Shit!"

"What?"

"Kai! Kai is in Edoras!"

"Is he cute?"

"I will not answer that in fear of losing my title of the 'final straight guy in Rohan.' We still have some time though; Kai was looking his normal scruffy self when I left." Concluded George.

……

"You are looking rather smart today Kai." Noted Emily.

"You look very nice," Added Legolas.

"Thank you Legolas." Smiled Kai sweetly.

……

A/N: Emily: Dudes! I can't believe I am doing this to Legolas! Oh well all I the name of comedy! Here are the thank yous:

Meg-the-sexy-beast - I am glad you are back! George doesn't become gay because he is not from Middle-earth, spells and things will not work on him. And from this chapter you can see that Legolas is not getting away with it!

Poolbum – Kai appreciates the kisses.

Pretendingtobesane – Simple deffinately, clean? You may become increasingly disappointed!

Random-Shiny – Poor you. I hate being sick, especially when it's purple. Hello Charlie can I pet you? Ack! It bit me!

Emerald Eyed Cutie – I once had a friend called Lemon who told me what to do. The whole 'what's with the gay' will be revealed in due course.

Limpet666 – Lembas would like it in Rohan! It is so weird that I am writing this thank you and talking to you on msn!


	6. Changes

A/N: Emily: Okay guys this is where the author admits to not knowing what the hell she is doing. I have written the entire story now five times and am completely stumped as to what the ending is. Each one has different characters in it, different solutions not to mention three of them have character death and break ups!

George: And it all started as a comedy!

Emily: We are trying really hard to weave the five together because each one has something good about it but the ending really depends on reviewer reactions to each chapter. So basically you guys are deciding the ending! Now seems like a good time to announce our appeal for baby names.

George: Can you put some suggestions for baby names in your reviews, both boy and girl and somewhat elvishy. Thank you. Well here is chapter six for your reading pleasure.

Disclaimer: I disclaim everything including the will to live.

Chapter Six – Changes.

"Emily where are you going?" Asked Legolas.

"I need some fresh air."

"Well let me tell Kai and I'll come with you."

"I do not need an escort, and besides Eomer will be joining me to show me the booties he knitted."

"In that case I'll give it a miss. Enjoy yourself and be careful."

"Oh yes. Valar forbid I should get swarmed by friendly gay guys who want to sing to the baby and massage my feet!" Emily gasped in mock horror.

"You know what I mean."

"Speaking of singing to the baby I was thinking about playing music to him or her in order to ensure maximum creativity."

"With an elf as the father I can assure you that he or she will be most creative… and not called Buffy or Spike!" Added Legolas quickly.

"I should hope not! Wherever did you get that idea from?!"

"Oh nowhere in particular."

"Anyway I am going to dig out some Metallica tapes later to add a bit of culture."

"Metallica?! Whatever you say darling. I am off to meet Kai."

……

"You are late." Grumbled Kai. "I have had to face the hordes of Mordor before and still cannot seem to avoid having my butt pinched by straying Rohirrim hands! How have you been fairing?"

"Well having Emily threaten anyone who comes near me certainly has helped. However, it is nice to have my personal Mirkwood bodyguard around me."

"It is an honour." Kai smiled his sweetest of smiles.

"Kai, as brilliant as you look today your hair still manages to look a mess."

"Yes I know, I was hoping you would braid it for me."

"I would love to, follow me." Legolas led Kai out of the Golden Hall and settled on the steps with the dark elf in front of him. Legolas began braided his hair with a practiced ease.

"That feels nice." Sighed Kai.

……

"HELP!" Cried George.

"I told you that would not work." Repeated Gem. "We need a plan."

"I'm sick of plans, they take too much planning!"

"We do not have much time before your brother in-law develops a less than professional relationship with his bodyguard!"

"Well it brings a whole new meaning to the word." Smirked George.

"I guarantee Emily will fail to see it like that! Think of something."

"Um…okay I've got something."

"What?"

"I can't tell you, you're supposed to guess."

"We do not have time for games!"

"But you started it! You said 'think of something.'"

"A PLAN! Not an inanimate object!" Screamed Gem. "Gosh you are infuriating."

"Okay a plan. Right we rope a couple of sea turtles, lash them together and catch the next wave outta here!"

"You are useless."

……

"How do you think George is doing?" Asked Kai as Legolas finished the final braid.

"I'm sure he will be fine, as long he does not get himself into one of those ridiculous situations he is famous for." Answered Legolas.

"Have you noticed he is quite good looking for a human?"

"Well I haven't really looked…"

"You must have! He's got lovely blond hair and gorgeous blue eyes."

"You like blond hair and blue eyes then?" Smiled Legolas.

"I suppose I do." Kai reached out and tucked a stray blond lock behind Legolas' ear.

"Look what Eomer made." Emily interrupted waving around some baby footwear.

"Why are they different colours?" Asked Kai quickly retracting his hand.

"Well the blue one is I case the baby is a boy and the pink if the baby is a girl."

"And both if it's a hermaphrodite!" The voice of George echoed through Emily's mind causing her to falter on the stairs. Legolas using his elven reflexes quickly pulled her to safety.

"Emily! What's wrong?!"

"George! I heard George."

……

"Are you okay?" Asked Gem as George picked himself up from off the floor.

"That was weird, I heard Emily talking about the baby."

"You are telepathic?"

"It only happened once as a freak rabid bunny plot."

"You are telepathic and you didn't think that would be useful for getting us out of here?!"

"Sorry oh shiny one."

"Contact Emily and tell her what has happened, oh and warn her about Legolas."

"It's not as easy as that. It's not like a phone call, it's fuzzy and it breaks up, well exactly like a phone call."

"Concentrate or something."

"It takes time for me to get in the right frame of mind to do something as hard as concentrating."

"Well what were you doing before?"

"Trying to remember if it is better to be a goat or a sheep."

"Is there any logic at all connected to anything you think or say?"

"Everything has logic, with the exception of velour tracksuits and Harry Potter."

……

"You are not leaving this room!" Shouted Legolas.

"But there is nothing wrong with me! It was just George behaving like a gimp!" Argued Emily.

"And what happens when he does it again and I am not there to catch you?!"

"Hmph!" Pouted Emily.

"Now you are being childish."

"Oh sorry your Highness, perhaps it is best that you leave before I really get on your nerves!"

"This is just the mood swing talking." Legolas tried to reassure himself.

"Oh no this isn't a mood swing, if it was I would have hit you by now!"

"Just try!" Yelled Legolas who had given up on diplomacy.

"Now now guys…" What was going to be a very nicely put peacemaking speech by Kai was interrupted by a square punch to the dark elf's nose as Legolas neatly side stepped out of the way.

Decking Counter: Five.

"Whoops, sorry Kai." Yelped Emily.

"No quite all right." Groaned Kai through gritted teeth.

"You are bleeding, come on." Legolas motioned for Kai to leave the rom. "And you Emily are to stay here while I clean Kai up."

"I'm sorry." Whispered Emily.

Legolas let out a small laugh as he picked up some healing oil, "I know."

The two elves sat in the deserted dining hall as Legolas held a strip of material against Kai's nose.

"Valar she can throw a punch!" Kai groaned. "Maybe after the baby is born I should sign her up for the Mirkwood army."

"Somehow I cannot see her and mud mixing." Laughed Legolas.

"And you?"

"What?"

"It has been a long time since you rode with the army."

"I have other responsibilities now. Especially now that the baby is due soon."

"That baby will be beautiful if it looks even half like its father."

Legolas beamed at the compliment.

"My lord, are you blushing?"

"No." Defended Legolas.

"It suits you."

"You are all cleaned up now; I should be getting back to Emily now."

"Will you take a walk with me first?" Asked Kai gingerly.

Legolas found it had pressed to deny the dark elf his request, "Of course."

……

"This is ridiculous; there isn't anything wrong with me!" Mumbled Emily to herself. "Stupid George playing stupid mind games!"

"Did you call?" George's voice could be heard.

"George?!"

"It worked!"

"What worked?" Asked Emily.

"The sheep and the goat."

"Huh?"

"Never mind. Em I need your help."

"What have you done now?!"

"I'm stuck in a hole."

"Climb out."

"I can't it's too deep."

"Quite frankly George I couldn't care less if you were stuck in an Orc Run whore house at this precise moment!"

"Why, what have I done?"

"Legolas confined me to our room because of that little stunt you pulled earlier!"

"Whoops. Yeah sorry about that. Em please I really can't get out and this fairy Godmother is ever so pushy."

"You have a fairy Godmother?"

"Unfortunately so."

"Where are you?"

"In a hole."

"I know that! Where is the hole?"

"In a field."

"You are not helping."

"Well it is about an hours ride North-east of Edoras."

"When Legolas gets back I'll tell him, he'll come and get you. I don't suppose you found Gimli then?"

"Gandalf have nothing to do with it, the fairy said so…Wait…you said 'when Legolas gets back'…where is he?"

"Making Kai feel better."

"What?! No he can't!"

"Why not?"

"He just can't…"

"You've been in that hole too long. Ouch!"

"What?!"

"I just got a splinter. Where did that oil get to? Legolas must have taken it with him."

"Oil?!!!!"

"Yes. For Kai. Do you listen to anything I say?"

"And you are okay with that?"

"Why wouldn't I be? It was my fault really."

"You shouldn't blame yourself, it is that place."

"Are you feeling all right? Maybe you could do with some of that oil when you get back. It really is amazing stuff."

"I think not!"

"It will make you feel better."

"I extremely doubt that!!!"

"What is your beef with healing oil?"

"Healing oil?"

"Yes."

"But you said Legolas was using it to make Kai feel better."

"For his nose, I hit him."

"Oh."

"Why what did you think I meant?"

"I don't want to alarm you or anything but…"

"But what?"

"You know how the gay thing doesn't apply to me because I'm from earth?"

"Yeah. And the elves."

"Promise me you won't scream."

"I promise."

"The elves thing isn't strictly true."

"Strictly true?"

"There is no easy way to say this so I am just going to put it to you as eloquently as I can manage… As we telepathically speak, Legolas and Kai are becoming gayer than a peach cravat teamed with one of Austin Powers' shirts."

"NO FUCKING WAY!!!" Screamed Emily.

……

Legolas and Kai walked through the main hall in companionable silence. All of a sudden they heard a scream causing them both to look up as they carried on walking.

"NO FUCKING WAY!!!"

This bloodcurdling scream caused both elves to not notice the freshly mopped floor ahead of them.

Smack.

"That was graceful." Grumbled Kai.

"At least you had something soft to land on! Remarked Legolas from his position beneath Kai.

"I must say _mellon _you are most comfortable." Kai grinned. "In fact I find this positioning quite agreeable."

"Kai…" Legolas never got to finish his sentence.

"You die!" Yelled Emily who had just entered the room.

……

A/N: George: You get all of the best lines!

Emily: that is because I write more than you!

George: Hmph! Right everyone, don't forget to tell us how you are liking it (or disliking it if you really feel the need to make a grown man cry).

Emily: And don't forget those baby names. Here are the thank yous:

Lil Smartass – Speaking of arses I must remember to write Aragorn back in.

Galasriniel – Blame George for the Legolas is gay plot line. I would never willingly subject Legolas to that however George is bribing me to go along with it for comedy sake. I want to be a bad guy so I can get a wicked tune. Urm…the deal with HP…well…in short terms…J.K.Rowling should be burned at the stake. We hate HP here at Emily and George towers, sorry if you happen to like HP!

Poolbum – I think we should be mad at George for being in a hole. I just visited George's new house yesterday for the first time and it resembled a hole quite a bit. ponders the coincidence

Limpet666 – I really think you will enjoy how we get rid of Gem from the plot line which should happen soon. Hey Lembas hands lembas a tissue. Yes about your death wish we will have to discuss that later…


	7. Honeymoon Hotel

A/N: Emily: Damn it! I know this is uber late but when the shit lands on you it takes a while to dig yourself out of it.

George: What a beautiful analogy.

E: Well maybe if you had have helped this would have been ready by the weekend!

G: I am busy an important!

Disclaimer: It's all yours Mr. T.

Chapter Seven – Honeymoon hotel.

"You die!" Screamed Emily.

"Hello campers!" Came a greeting from the door.

"Haldir? What are you doing here?" Asked Kai who was still perched on top of Legolas.

"We're on our honeymoon." Announced Boromir as he bustled through the door with a multitude of bags. "So it is true about this place." He continued as he noted Legolas and Kai's position.

"Get out of my way!" Fumed Emily as she attempted to get past the honeymooners wielding a bag of Scottish porridge oats.

"I don't think you want to bludgeon your husband to death." Advised Haldir as he held Emily in her place.

"You're right." Emily closed her eyes and calmed herself in her happy place. "No I don't want to kill Legolas…I do however, WANT TO KILL KAI!!!"

"Whoa there." Boromir grabbed her just before she could land a solid thwack to Kai's head. "Perhaps it is best if we lock her in her room."

"WHAT?!"

"Brilliant idea my love. Hand her over." Haldir picked a flailing Emily up and marched off with her.

"This is ridiculous! I haven't even done anything!" Protested Emily.

"Now as for you two." Boromir turned towards Legolas and Kai. "If you would like to stay an eternal being I suggest you get off Legolas. Right, you two are to be separated and quarantined."

"I thought at least you would not separate us." Pouted Kai.

"I may love the idea of an entire gay male population; it would certainly make sanitation more widely appreciated. However, I also love the idea of two of my friends remaining married. Now Kai, you will remain in your room until otherwise instructed, go now." Kai reluctantly wandered off. "As for you Legolas, I know this spell isn't your fault but I thought a Prince no less would know better to start boning his bodyguard in public!"

"We fell." Defended Legolas lamely.

"Elves do not fall. Now, I want you to give Haldir and I ten minutes to calm your **wife **down then you may see her. Agreed?"

Legolas nodded.

"Did you notice how poignantly I said wife?"

Legolas nodded again.

"Good."

……

"I'm going to strangle him until he turns blue, then I am gong to shove a pinacolada complete with cocktail sticks and umbrellas down his throat. Then I am going to shave all his hair off and feed it to him in a jalapeno pepper roll all the while playing Westlife at top volume right into those pointy ears of his!" Emily took a breath. "And then I will cut off his brain."

"I don't think you can cut off the brain, not unless you remove the entire head." Pointed out Haldir.

"This is Kai we are talking about, he doesn't think with the brain in his head!"

"Have you ever considered anger management classes?"

"I am not angry. I'm bloody livid!"

"You have to calm down. Think about your baby."

"Calm down?! Calm down?! My husband is gay with the bodyguard, my brother is stuck down a hole with a monkey and a fairy, we are no closer to solving this Rohan catastrophe, I have the most illogical craving for Pimms and I have a horrible feeling I put a pink sock in the white wash." And to top that all off the cramp in my foot has spread up my entire leg!"

"Sssh. It's okay." Haldir hugged Emily and rubbed her back soothingly.

"How is she?" Whispered Boromir as he quietly entered the room.

"Successfully venting."

"Good good."

"This is the suckiest adventure yet. Even the Orc cave had its fun moments." Pouted Emily. "Anyway, here's me going on about myself when I should be asking how is married life treating you?"

"It's wonderful, but then again I haven't had to deal with my elf changing sexuality." Grinned Boromir.

Emily had a sudden thought. "You don't think that what with you two being gay already this place could…like…reverse it?"

Haldir and Boromir looked at each other in horror.

"Don't worry guys, I'll be the first to warn you if you start leaving the toilet seat up!"

"You are most kind." Smiled Haldir.

……

"That went well." George grumbled.

"I take it she didn't react to kindly to that piece of information." Gem commented.

"I think she's forgotten we are here."

"So that was all for nothing."

"Pretty much."

"We are going to die in here!" Wailed Gem suddenly.

"You're not going to cry are you?"

sniff

"Because I have a real issue with mucus."

"I…just…hiccup…haven't done…everything…hiccup…I wanted…to…do."

"Like what?"

"Meet…a…wonderful fairy…sniff husband." Gem wiped her eyes.

"There are fairy guys? Yeesh they gut a raw deal. Let me guess – they wear corduroys."

"Well…yes but what has that got to do with anything?"

"My mother taught me to never trust a man in corduroys."

"She did?"

"Well no actually it was my French teacher."

"Are you as lost as me?" Gem asked Cumquat.

The monkey nodded.

……

"Do you want to see him?" Asked Haldir.

"About as much as I want a lobotomy." Huffed Emily.

"He is your husband, and it isn't really his fault." Boromir reasoned.

"Whatever."

Boromir and Haldir left the room and sent Legolas in.

"It might be best if we escape from this side of the building dear." Suggested Boromir. "I would hate my ears to bear witness the destruction of the Prince of Mirkwood."

"A most excellent idea."

The honeymooners wandered off leaving Emily and Legolas alone.

……

A/N: Emily: Ack! I know it is short. I just need to work out a routine where I can have a space reserved for writing. It also should get better after I visit George in two weeks and patch up a few ideas.

George: Apparently my ideas are crap over the phone!

Emily: Here are the thank yous:

Ayiicaalime – I heard about the whole Orli engaged thing. Hmph… I think I shall just ignore it and retreat to my happy place!

Chaotic Jinx – Thank you for the names , you'll have to wait and see when the baby is born. You love George? Best not tell him his ego will never return to normal size. George: I have a girlfriend, but I doubt she would appreciate faling into middle-earth and putting up with me in a hole.

Galasriniel – Thank you. It is awfully challenging being random (well that's what we defend our weirdness with, even when questioned separately).

Voyd – Hey you're back! There is definitely one death coming up.

CloakedInsanity – Nice name dude! Good to see you back on

Limpet666 - I keep missing you online. I have that Craig Parker pic to send you! Have fun glomping Faramir!

Gustav – Welcome! I love it when new people review it gives me a funny feeling in my belly. (That could be the dinner I ate!) Feel free to review every chapter if you want!

Poolbum – Don't die laughing yet. There is still more to come.

Lil Smartass – A Lemming would make a better godmother.

Wow you guys excelled yourself on reviews this time! All shall be rewarded with…um…well…I'll let you know.

Until next time… XxX


	8. Lets do the Time Warp

A/N: Emily: Hey guys! Now we have hit severe writers block here at Emily and George towers so we have come up with the ultimate filler chapter to give us time to sort out the story.

George: I don't suppose any of you ever wondered what Emily and Legolas' wedding was like? Oh you did huh? Well you are about to find out!

Disclaimer: Hey we own a new character! Everyone meet Kalin, Kai's younger brother! Other than that we own nothing.

Chapter Eight – Lets do the time warp.

Legolas watched Emily nervously as her eye twitched in anger. "Emily hunny, are you okay?" He asked softly.

Emily glared at the anxious elf. "Absolutely perfect." She said through gritted teeth. "How is Kai?" She added bitterly.

"Darling I am so sorry. I don't know what came over me."

"Kai by the looks of it!" Snapped Emily forgetting Haldir's plea to remain rational.

"Please calm down, I hate seeing you like this."

"Now I know how you felt when you saw Kai and I kissing." Sniffed Emily on the brink of tears.

Legolas gathering up all his fraying nerves approached Emily and pulled her close.

"Bet you never thought married life would pan out like this?!" Emily grinned through tears.

"Marrying you was the best thing I ever did. You have brightened up this aristocrats life more than he ever thought possible."

"You said something like that at our wedding." Smiled Emily.

TIMEWARP

"Bollocks!" Yelped George.

"What bollocks? Where? Why?!" Emily came running out of the bathing chamber in fluffy pink dressing gown and wet hair rolled into a bun stuck to the top of her head.

"Wow you look great. Maybe you should wear that today."

"Don't be an idiot. After all that time I spent making my dress nothing could stop me wearing it."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely. Not even a herd of rabid, jealous fan girls could stop me."

"What about blackcurrants?"

"Excuse me?"

"Could blackcurrants stop you from wearing your dress?" George asked nervously.

"You do ask stupid quest…" Emily turned to where her dress was hung and gasped in horror. "George…why is my dress…PURPLE?!!!"

"Oh isn't it supposed to be that colour?" Mused George feigning ignorance.

"You did this!"

"If I were to admit what would happen?"

"I promise you will be dead before you feel this pencil gouging out your eyes."

"That's very decent of you." Gulped George

……

Next door sat a tense Legolas who was desperately trying to untangle a knot he has subconsciously tied in his hair. All of a sudden he heard an almighty crash followed by three dull thumps from his soon to be wife's room.

"What the..?" He made a start for the door.

"Whoa there. Where do you think you are going?" Thranduil grabbed his son and pushed him back in his chair where he proceeded to tug at Legolas' hair. "Kalin go and see what the problem is and Kai fetch me some scissors."

"Yes my lord." Chorused the brothers.

A flustered George slowly opened the door but could not really see who was standing there with an ice pack over his right eye and a sudden squint that had developed in the rapidly swelling left eye.

"Is everything okay?" Asked Kalin.

"Fine, fine, Emily just fainted is all."

"Fainted?"

"Some idiot spilt blackcurrant juice on her dress."

"With all respect my lord but you are the only idiot that has been in Lady Emily's room all morning."

"Really, well I…should…right…"

Kalin grinned and strolled back into Legolas' room leaving a bumbling George to continue talking to an empty corridor.

"Everything is well my lords." Announced Kalin as he entered.

"What happened?"

"Your bride fainted."

Kai let out a snort but soon smothered it when the King sent him a reproving look.

"Fainted?!" Legolas cried.

"There has been an accident with her dress my lord."

"But she spent so long on it. She'll be devastated I have to go to her."

"It already seems she has enough bad luck with her brother around without seeing you before the wedding." Began the King.

Legolas sighed in resignation.

"I'm sure she will sort it out _ion nin_."

"I have never felt like this before Ada. What if she changes her mind and doesn't want to marry me?"

"That girl worships you. Plus she is the only one that can put up with your annoying habits!" Sighed Thranduil.

"I'm an elf I don't have annoying habits."

"A royal elven prince should not indulge in strip poker."

"How did..?" Legolas shot Kai a glare as the darkling elf dissolved into fits of giggles.

……

"It's ruined!" Sobbed Emily.

"I'm really sorry Em. You know how clumsy our family is."

"What am I going to do? I'm marrying the most perfect being that ever existed and I am going to look like I have just been mobbed by the hippy tie-dye appreciation squad."

"It's not that bad. Perhaps you could use some purple accessories to blend it in."

"I was going for ethereal not Christmas tree!"

"Then the only thing now is to get you another dress."

"I am getting married in seventy minutes. There is no time!"

"Leave it to me. Just sort out your hair and make-up and I'll have you a dress within the hour."

……

"Yes George, being gay automatically means I carry white fabric around with me!" Scoffed Haldir.

"I promised Emily a dress and I won't let her down. She's been dreaming about this day ever since she was a little girl and Dad read 'The Lord of the Rings' to her. I couldn't stand it if I ruined it for her."

"I am afraid I cannot help you on this George."

"Don't worry I'll think of something."

"Yes, you have a knack for conjuring things up." Agreed Haldir as he walked off to join Boromir for a quick stroll.

"Conjure? Of course! The magic bag." George ran to his room where the bag had been left.

Panting George grabbed the bag, "Magic bag I want a wedding dress!"

……

"Hello my little, kind of step sister." Greeted Arwen.

"Hey." Sniffed Emily.

"What's wrong, you don't look very happy for a girl about to marry Middle-earth's most eligible bachelor."

"I don't have a dress."

"What?! But I saw it, it was beautiful, it's over there, it looks…Purple!"

"George had an accident."

"Oh that good for nothing boy!"

"He is out trying to get me a new one. I don't see how it's possible." She sighed.

"That brother of ours may be useless but he always comes through in the end."

……

"I need you help dad." George was on his knees begging even before Elrond could figure out what exactly his son was asking for.

"Slow down. Now what is this about a purple meringue?"

"I turned Emily's dress purple, so I asked the magic bag for a new one and it gave me this…"

George held up what could be only described as the most heinous dress in the entire history of Christina Aguilera fashion crimes.

"I could see how some…may…find that urm…what's the word I am looking for..?"

"Vomit inducing?" Suggested George.

"You are right, it would never do for the new princess of Mirkwood to get married in a cream pin cushion."

"Was that a sense of humour I espied there?" Grinned George.

"Perhaps you were not specific enough in your request." Suggested Elrond ignoring his son's comment.

"How specific can you get with a white dress?!"

"I remember when Celebrian and I wed. She looked absolutely enchanting." Elrond began to wonder off into a distant memory. George snapped his fingers. "Oh sorry. Well it is tradition for weddings dresses to be passed down from mother to daughter."

"Trash that idea right now! If I were to summon up our mother's dress for Emily to wear she will look like an immigrant of the seventies! Godamn hippies and their flower power dresses."

"How about if she was to wear Legolas' mother's dress?" Elrond smiled as George's face lit up at the suggestion.

……

"Would you answer that Kalin? I fear Legolas would topple over would he to try and walk." Asked Thranduil as someone rapped on the door.

"You must stop jittering Legolas, who wants to marry a wimp for an elf." Laughed Kai doing nothing to settle the Prince's nerves. "You know that thumping was probably Emily making her escape out of the window."

"Oh Kai do stop teasing." Chastised Kalin as he showed George in.

"My lord may I have a word with you in private." Breathed George trying to regain his breath.

"Of course." Thranduil and George left the room.

"Yeesh maybe she really did leg it."

Legolas turned a peculiar shade of green and promptly ran to the bathroom to empty his stomach.

"Do you have to be so insensitive?"

"It's a gift." Grinned Kai as the poor Prince stumbled out of the bathroom.

"Come ernil nín let's get you to the ceremony." Kalin took Legolas' arm and led him out to the glades where the wedding was to be held.

……

"Did you get one?!" Emily jumped up hopefully.

"Ta da!" George held up the dress King Thranduil had lovingly kept for the many years since his wife left for the Grey Havens.

"Oh…my…it's perfect!" Emily rugby tackled George and hugged him fiercely.

"Need to breathe."

Emily continued the hug.

"You'll ruin your hair." George choked out.

Still Emily refused to let George go.

"You're creasing the dress."

Emily shot up in the air leaving a gasping George to crawl to a nearby couch and pass out.

"Hurry now, you do not have much time!" Emily was shooed to her dressing room by Arwen who began to fan George.

"White light, white light." George mumbled.

"Where did you manage to get that dress? I should have sent you out for mine when I wed Zombie Aragorn!"

"It was Legolas' mother's dress."

"Oh my, that is the sweetest thing ever? Wait…how did you get Thranduil to part with it? You didn't steal it did you?!" Added Arwen.

"No of course I didn't. I bribed him."

"What could you possibly have that the King of Mirkwood would want?"

"That my dear Wenny you shall have to wait and see."

……

"All Set?" Thranduil returned to his son side at the front of the glade.

"What did George want, is everything all right, is Emily okay, is she worried about the dress? It doesn't matter what she looks like, I'd marry her even if she was dressed in a sack!" Legolas was having a major attack of the jitters.

"Never mind what George wanted. Now straighten yourself up, it would never do for a royal to get married resembling a plate of cold, green jelly."

Legolas took a deep breath to steady his nerves as guest began to get seated.

"It's amazing how a proud warrior elf can be reduced to a quivering wreck by the prospect of a few vows!" Smirked Boromir as Haldir and him pushed their way to the front.

"I promise this warrior elf will remain his stoic self at out wedding, _mellamin_."

"Our wedding?" Asked Boromir. "Are you proposing Marchwarden?"

"I believe I am Steward." Haldir blushed. "Will you accept?"

"I can think of nothing more perfect than becoming your bonded." Answered Boromir earnestly.

……

"Have you got your eyes closed?" Called Emily.

"Yes!" Cried an impatient Emily.

"George?"

"You made sure of that when you punched me earlier!"

Emily stepped into the room, "Okay guys you can open them."

There was a collective gasp.

"Legolas is going to swallow his tongue." Giggled Arwen.

……

A/N: Emily: The rest of the wedding will be up next week. When George first mentioned the timewarp I thought he wanted me to write a Rocky Horror/Lord of the Rings hybrid. Thank the lord that was not the case!

George: I'd look really bad as a transvestite!

Emily: visibly shudders Here are the thank yous:

Lil Smartass – I shall be a tremendous mother! I doubt Legolas will appreciate calling his heir Cactus.

Galasriniel – The cliffie will have to wait another chappie. Sorry. Pimms is a drink that us Brits have a thing for in the summer. It's especially nice with stinging nettle leaves in it believe it or not!

Ayiicaalime – This one is longer. Shame you can't stretch Sam out a bit. Let me get this straight the longer I take to update the more reviews I get – Hey you could be on to something! Maybe I should come round and put your clock fifteen minute forward so you would wake up earlier!

Angel's Heart, Demon's Mind – Please please review again! I personally think that Orli looks better as a blonde if that has anything to do with anything! As for the baby you will just have to wait and see.

Limpet666 – Hopefully the next chapter should be immensely funny. George and I are meeting up next week for the ultimate collaboration!

A/N: George: The next chapter should be up next week but because Emily won't be at home it might be a bit late.


	9. I Do

A/N: George: Here is the wedding all have been waiting for. Hello magazine wasn't available so the Mirkwood post had to do!

Emily: Without further ado,

Ladies and Gentlemen you are cordially invited

To the wedding of:

Legolas

And

Emily Elizabeth

Presents should come in the form of reviews.

Disclaimer: If anyone would like to donate money to us please do. 'Hello' magazine have a habit of suing people! We own nothing!

Chapter Nine – I do.

"Here is your bouquet." Arwen handed the flowers to Emily. "I'll leave you two alone."

"Are ready little sister?" Grinned George.

"I feel like any minute I am going to wake up and this would have all been a dream." Said Emily.

"If this is a dream it's a little too vivid for my liking!" George testily rubbed his swollen eye.

"Yeah sorry about that, guess I over reacted slightly."

"Slightly! Anyway alls well that ends well, you look like a proper princess."

"It's a dress fit for a queen!"

"Literally."

"What was that?"

"Never mind." Dismissed George, "Mum would have loved to have seen you get married. Granted you persuaded her that you would only ever marry Orlando Bloom but what's a blond wig between relatives."

Emily took a deep breath. "Legolas probably thinks I've done a runner."

"Maybe you should let him stew a bit. It might dissolve some of that stoniness about him. He practically looks like his been carved out of marble."

"Be nice, that's your future brother in-law you're talking about."

"I promise I'll refrain. I'd best be off to leave you to your grand entrance."

"Wait…I was wondering…seeing as dad isn't here…well my dad anyway. Would you be my bridesmaid?"

"What?!"

"Kidding! Would you give me away?"

"Do I have you say anything?"

"Just, 'I do.'"

"Isn't that what you say?"

Emily sighed. "When the King says 'Who gives the bride away?' You say?"

"I do!!!"

"Excellent."

……

"Why isn't she here yet, Arwen arrived ages ago, where is she?" Panicked Legolas.

"Allow me." Grinned Kai as he pushed Kalin out of the way and slapped Legolas around the face. "Get a grip!"

Before Legolas could react the wedding march started up by Emily's request and George led the bride down the aisle.

Legolas practically gawked as Emily made her way towards him.

"When did she become alluring?" Whispered Kai to Kalin who answered with a quick elbow to the ribs.

"Who gives the bride away?" Thranduil began the service.

"How much do I get for her?" George asked.

"George!" Shrieked Emily.

"Syke. I do." George pushed Emily nearer to Legolas.

"Good. Now we can begin. Emily and Legolas you have chosen today to make your promises to each other which will hold you together in sacred matrimony. I am required to ask if there is anyone that can show any just cause why they may not be married under the watch of the Valar, let him speak now or else hereafter hold his peace."

At this point a whopping Uruk Hai came running down the aisle swinging his scimitar. Now as Uruk Hai's go this one was the stupidest as attempting to assassinate the Prince and soon to be Princess of Mirkwood in a glade full of bow and arrow wielding elves is not to be advised. It soon found that out when a total of two hundred elven arrows hit their target. What still remains a mystery to this very day is the identity of the elf that missed seeing as there were two hundred and one elven guests present.

"Now that is all sorted out let us continue. Emily you may now make your promise to Legolas."

Now when about to make the most important vows a person will ever make in their life it is not the best time to develop the hiccups, but as we all know Emily was never one to keep with tradition.

"When I was…hiccup…told that I would have to write…hiccup…my own vows…hiccup…I began to wonder if getting married was…hiccup…the right thing to do…hiccup…but if I could make it through playing…hiccup…Abu in my school's rendition of…hiccup…Aladdin I can make it through this…hiccup…especially when I get you at the end of it."

Legolas could not help but grin as Emily continued with her 'eloquent' speech.

"You have made every dream…hiccup…of mine come true. In return I promise to…hiccup…oh for fuck sake can someone get me some water!"

The less than refined elves – namely Kai and Kalin burst out laughing while Legolas also tried to hold in his mirth.

George on the other hand was helping Celeborn after Galadriel took a funny turn after hearing the less than well-mannered language that sprung forth from Emily's mouth.

After three big gulps of water Emily was ready to start again. "Where was I…oh yes…in return I promise to you _meleth nin_ that I will love you no matter what. I will put up with you hogging the mirror; I will stop complaining every time you sleep with your eyes open and I will try and not butcher the elvish language when I get round to learning it. I love you Legolas Greenleaf and I'm the kinda girl that sticks with her elf."

"Legolas you may now make your promise."

"Emily you have brightened up my life more than I ever thought possible. You have made this aloof old elf smile. I promise I will cherish you, protect you and be everything that you dreamed of. I love you Emily and I will treat you like the princess you are every single day."

"Will you make me popcorn?"

"Absolutely."

"Legolas and Emily you have made your promises to each other. You shall now exchange rings as a sign of your commitment to each other." Thranduil turned to the best man who just stood there staring into the sky.

"You'll have to prod him." Whispered Legolas to his father.

Thranduil prodded Zombie Aragorn who after a few seconds of temptation to eat them automatically raised his arm with a grunt and produced two beautifully crafted rings made by Gimli after George paid him with a barrel of pretzels which he nearly choked on winkwink.

In tribute to Emily's origins the traditional earth wedding vows were said, Emily had insisted on this not because she was at all religious but just liked the fact that Legolas would have to say 'with my body I thee honour.'

Legolas slipped a ring onto Emily's finger, "With this ring I thee wed; with my body I thee honour and with all my worldly goods with thee I share."

Emily did the same in turn.

"It is now my honour and in great joy," began Thranduil with a slight crack in his voice, "to pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride."

And so Legolas did.

"I thought you said Legolas was going to swallow his tongue not Emily's!" Grimaced George as the rest of the guests gushed.

"Can we eat now?" Asked Pippin impatiently.

……

"I take it you are still insisting that you sing at the reception." George sat next to Emily who refused to join Legolas in the meet and greet line in fear of having to shake his Uncle's hand.

"Of course."

"Going to tell me what you are singing?"

"Not a chance." Emily visibly shuddered.

"Are you all right?"

"Why is there always one?" Emily pointed out Legolas' uncle. "There is an Uncle Knob head at every wedding on every planet. I bet he's the first up dancing like an absolute idiot completely devoid of any rhythmic aptitude."

"Come on it's time you cut the cake, I promise it's not a heinous fruitcake and Legolas has even agreed to let you handle the knife."

"He has lifted the ban! You know I still think he over reacted about that whole knife spinning thing."

"You stabbed him in the foot!"

"So much for elven reflexes." Mumbled Emily.

"How is my beautiful wife?" Legolas beamed.

"Euphoric, and you dear husband?"

"I am going to be sick." George wondered off in search of beer.

……

"Can everyone gather as the bride is about to throw the bouquet." Announced Kalin.

The females of Middle-earth bunched in a crowd throwing vicious looks at each other.

"Are you ready..? Three…Two…One…" Emily tossed the bouquet at a slightly greater speed and strength than what was required.

The bouquet over shot the crowd of rabid women and landed on an unsuspecting elf.

"Oooh! Did I hit anyone?" Gasped Emily.

"No one important." Grinned Kalin as he checked to see if Kai was still conscious.

……

"Now welcome to the stage, the bride herself, the princess of Mirkwood, Mrs Greenleaf herself…Emily!" Announced George.

"I wanna kiss you every minute, every hour, every day,

You got me in a spin but everything is A.O.K.

Touching you, touching me, touching you, coz you're such a fool.

I believe in a thing called love, just listen to the rhythm of your heart,

There's a chance we could make it now, we'll be rocking till the sun goes down,

I believe in a thing called love oooh ooh…"

At this point George jump onto stage dressed in full Darkness regalia which consisted of a leopard print Lycra catsuit wielding a phallic shaped guitar playing the most awesome of Darkness rifts.

……

"I do not think I'll ever get over seeing George dressed in that catsuit." Shuddered Legolas which brought them back to reality.

"I don't think I'll get over seeing your Uncle Knobhead try and flirt with Galadriel." Gagged Emily.

"That isn't actually his name."

"I know."

"I'm so sorry Emily. I promised to treat you like a princess and now look at us."

"You do treat me like a princess…except when you are treating Kai like one." Added Emily with a smirk.

"Please do not remind me, it's just I can't seem to help it, I don't know what happens when…"

"Don't worry we'll sort it out soon. I'm sure of it."

"You are right. George will be back soon with Gandalf, we'll sort this mess out and then we can go to earth and meet our beautiful baby."

"Precisely. Oh shit…George!"

……

A/N: Emily: and there is the end of the filer chapters. As I type this I am sitting in George's student house, slightly hungover and trying to avoid George shooting me with his stupid rubber sucker air gun toy thing! We have worked out the end of the story so it should all be plain sailing from here (for the authors that is, not the characters). This chapter was supposed to be hilarious but with a duo of hangovas we just resigned to being unfunny. Sorry! I swear the whole mystery will be solved soon and we can get to the baby bit! Here are the thank yous:

Poolbum – Okay the update wasn't soon but hey it's here!

Chaotic Jinx – Your Aragorn fix will be in the next chappie! I promise the baby will be here before you jenk it, unless you are ninety of something. I wish I knew about the dancing monkeys before I wrote this chapter I definitely would have put them in.

Voyd – You read my mind with the bouquet scene!

Limpet666 – I am so checking out your Kai fic as soon as I'm done here! I actually have tingles of excitement!

Lil Smartass – My dear Smartass how are you doing? I really don't think purple is my colour.

Ayiicaalime – I don't think that made sense to anyone. Oooh did I tell you I've got tickets to Blink and Green Day. I am going to be very smug now.

CloakedInsanity – 'Studies' should be ignored.

Elfsire – I hope the time it took to update didn't kill you! Don't you dare die on me! Nooooooooo!

Angel's Heart, Demon's Mind – Your brother looks like Orlando Bloom! Send him over here now!!!!! I've never had a ceiling fan, it's too cold here in England to justify owning one, I feel deprived!


	10. Holes

A/N: Emily: George finally gets out of the hole today! Yay! Before I start this chapter I decree that you all must go and read Limpet666's story "Kai" Yes that is right it features everyone's favourite lovable rogue.

Chapter Ten – Holes.

"She has forgotten about me. I know she has!" Pouted George. "Well that's fine! I don't need her anyway. I'll get myself out of this hole!"

Gem let out a very unladylike snort. "There is about as much chance of that happening as George Bush has of saying something smart!"

"We have to get out! I'm bloody starving!" George whined. He looked around desperately for something to eat, his eyes rested upon Cumquat. "Yum…" George began to droll as Cumquat morphed into a chicken leg.

Cumquat whimpered.

"Snap out of it!" Gem poked George in the eye

"Hey! That was uncalled…for…" George hallucinated again as Gem morphed into a floating twiglet.

"Don't you look at me like that. I've already had that monkey try and eat me."

"I have to get out of here, I need food, I need a plan…think…think…I've got it!"

"You have?" Gem raised a sceptical eyebrow.

"We'll dig a staircase into the side of the hole and the mud we dig out we'll put on the floor making ourselves higher so we'll only have to dig half the way!"

"And what are we going to dig with?"

George demonstrated by scratching at the dirt with his fingertips.

An hour later…

"This is stupid." Huffed Gem who was sat upon Cumquat's shoulder watching George. The King of Gondor was presently on his knees resembling Rambo with flu. "You haven't even made a dent!"

"It's just…a…matter…gasp…of time!" Panted George. "Must reach…freedom!" He collapsed.

"Great."

……

"He's in a hole." Yelled Emily.

"Yes you mentioned that. Where is this hole?" Asked Haldir.

Boromir, Haldir and Legolas were currently trying to pry some more details about the location of George from a hysterical Emily.

"I can't remember! He won't have any food with him, he'll be scared!"

"Don't worry, we'll find him I promise." Legolas sat Emily down and followed Haldir and Boromir out of the room closing the door behind him.

"Legolas you know we cannot just ride out blindly and look for him." Reasoned Haldir.

"So we leave him?!"

"That is not what Haldir said. Go and see if you can find out more, jog her memory. We'll go and check his route on map, see if we can narrow down forgotten bear traps or something he may have fallen in." Said Boromir.

"And Kai?" Asked Legolas guiltily.

"You are to stay away from him."

"You can't just leave him in his room!"

"Yes we can and we intend to" Began Haldir.

"If we so much as think you have been within one hundred yards of his room we'll make sure that baby in your wife's tummy is the last heir you ever have." Finished Boromir.

Legolas gulped.

……

"They think they can keep me in my room do they?!" Snarled Kai to himself as he paced his room. "I'll show them, they can't keep me away from my blond prince."

……

"He's coming around" Gem kept slapping George.

"Freedom!" Gasped George as he sat up abruptly.

"You decided to return to us then?" Said Gem smartly.

"That's it!"

"What is?"

"Freedom, that's the answer!"

"Maybe he's concussed." Gem pointed out to the monkey who was pulling at George's trainer lace.

George ignored Gem as she continued to make snide comments and reached for his fish keyring, "Gem make yourself useful and get some rope from my bag."

Gem rummaged through, "I don't see any…urgh…please tell me that is not what I think it is?!"

"Best not to ask." Grinned George.

"Here's the rope." Gem handed it to George then proceeded to wipe her hands on an oblivious Cumquat. "Here's the plan. I tie the rope to the fish. I throw the rope out of the hole, the fish will act as an anchor, with the rope secure we can climb out."

"It won't work."

"It has to!"

George swung the rope around a few times before launching it into the air. He tugged the rope checking if it was secure The fish fell back into the hole."

"I thought you said it had to work."

"I lied." Answered George with a shrug.

"Well it's your best plan yet so I suppose you might as well keep trying."

……

"The hole is an hours ride North-East of Edoras!" Emily squealed as she remembered.

"I'll let Haldir and Boromir know. George will be back here before you know it." Legolas went and quickly found the honeymooners who were currently checking what each other had had for lunch. "Urm…guys…"

"Legolas! I didn't see you there." Haldir greeted as he quickly did Boromir's tunic back up.

"Evidently. Emily has remembered where the hole is."

"Brilliant. Show us on the map."

"Urm…Boromir you are sitting on it." Legolas informed trying to swallow the smirk threatening to emerge.

"Oh so I am." The steward flushed and his himself behind the Marchwarden.

"From what Emily remembers the hole should be around…here." Legolas planted a finger on the, now rather crumpled, map. "We just have to send someone to go and get him."

"Not volunteering yourself?" Asked Haldir.

"I don't want to leave Emily. I have a feeling that this baby will arrive sooner rather than later. Will you go?"

"I am on my honeymoon, and as fond as I am of the boy I want no interruptions!"

"We could always send Kai." Suggested Boromir finally regaining his composure.

"An excellent idea melethron."

Boromir and Haldir stood outside starring at the dark elf's door after knocking for a full five minutes.

"Shall I break it down dear?" Asked Boromir.

"Go ahead; I love when you get forceful."

After two hard thumps the door caved in to reveal and empty room and an open window.

"Bloody elves." Cursed Boromir

Haldir raised a perfectly arched eyebrow.

"I didn't mean you!"

"I'll have to punish you for that."

……

"My arm hurts" Wailed George.

"You've only tried fifty-eight times!"

"Only!"

"Try again!"

"Slave driver." Snapped George.

"Quitter." Threw back Gem.

"Weed."

"Idiot."

"Tinkertwat."

"King of Slobdor!"

"Runt."

"Roadkill!"

"Oh…ooh…choo…pwh!" Scolded Cumquat.

"What did he say?" Asked Gem.

"He said that we are behaving like children and that we will not get out of here by bickering."

"He said all that?"

"To a point." George sighed in frustration and lobbed the keyring out the hole in one last vain attempt. He tugged on it…

"It worked!" George tugged harder but the fish remained anchored on whatever it had clung to. "I'm a genius!"

"That can be debated." Muttered Gem.

"Huh?"

"I said, you are to be congratulated." She smirked.

"Cheers. Right Cumquat, hang on tight we are going climbing."

After three attempts George finally scrambled out of the hole kissing the grass leaving a fearful Cumquat to sigh in relief.

"We're free!"

"About time." Huffed Gem as she removed a spec of dirt from her immaculately kept blue dress.

"I wonder what…" George followed the rope to where his fish had landed. "It looks like a pile of dog food."

"You're just hungry! No wait… you're right it does look like a pile of dog food. Ah! It moved!"

George got a little closer.

"I think we should leave it alone." Whimpered Gem.

"I have to get my fish." George tiptoed over and when near enough gently (viciously with intent to kill) kicked it turning it over onto its back. "Aragorn!"

……

A/N: Emily: There you are all the Aragorn fans, he is back! Ooooh where has Kai gone?! Here are the thank yous:

Angel's Heart, Demon's Mind – Noooo. Don't run away! Oh poo. It must be so horrible living in Florida, what with all that sunshine!

Lil Smartass – You little beep I was all nice in my last reply and you come up with that remark. In return this time I'll just let everyone know that you won a Tracy Beaker look-alike competition.

Voyd – George prier to the catsuit incident was wearing a bright orange suit which in real life he is actually threatening to wear to my wedding.

Poolbum – I love Kalin too! You can check him out in Limpet666's story! I might actually write him back in if more people ask.

Galasriniel – I like purple jelly, probably because I like blackcurrants, with exception to when they are spilt over my dress!


	11. Splat

A/N: Emily: This week started so badly I have no hope for the rest of it. Some idiot pulled out in front of my car which provoked an emergency stop resulting in major whiplash. My back is killing me!

George: I wasn't in the car, I'm fine.

E: That's nice for you dear, now if you could wipe that smug grin off your face we can begin chapter eleven.

Disclaimer: We own Kai, Kalin, ourselves, Cumquat and Gem (well not for much longer), other than that nothing.

Chapter Eleven – Splat.

"Aragorn?! What the smeg in all off smegdonia are you doing here?!" Asked George while gesturing emphatically.

"Other than having my eyes gouged out, you mean?"

"Oh yeah sorry about that." George winced as he removed his fish that was dangling from Aragorn's now bloody eyelid. "Cheers by the way. Would have been stuck in there for a while if you hadn't shown up when you did."

"Yes well I am the hero of the story." Aragorn pranced onto a rock. "Wherever danger may lurk. Whatever fiend may strike. Aragorn shall be there!"

"Nice speech. Work on it for long?"

"Just a few hours. Do you think I over did it?"

"You could try pronouncing 'fiend' with a bit more 'oomph'."

Aragorn considered this and nodded his head in agreement. "Where are you headed?"

"Back to Rohan I suppose. I have to stop Kai and Legolas from getting physical."

"I thought they were best friends. Surely they wouldn't fight."

"Not that kind of physical. You see Aragorn the danger that has lured you here is in fact a rather comical situation of the entire Rohirrim reverting to the back path."

"The back path?" Asked Aragorn as George led him in the direction of Edoras.

"This is going to be a long journey." Muttered Gem.

……

"Kai's missing." Informed Haldir.

"Missing?!" Screeched Emily.

"Calm down dear." Legolas said. "Perhaps I should go look for him."

"If you do that Kai won't be the only person showing you the meaning of the phrase anal trajectory." Scowled Emily.

Legolas gulped as Emily picked up his bow and began pointing it ardently.

"I suggest Emily that you lock Legolas in here and secure the windows." Boromir scouted the room for any other entrances. "We'll let you know as soon as we have found him."

"And what about George?" Emily fidgeted nervously.

"As soon as Kai is locked up I will personally go and get him." Promised Haldir.

"They'll never find him." Remarked Legolas as the honeymooners left the room.

"Why do you say that?"

"As far as I can remember, Kai always beat me at hide and seek. I could never find him, even using all my elven senses. He has honed that skill brilliantly especially now that he has to hide from all those disgruntled husbands he has to flee from." Began Legolas.

"It's not just husbands though now days." Muttered Emily as she dreamed of all the things she would love to do to the dark elf when she got her hands on him.

Legolas continued, "If I remember rightly only his brother has ever found him."

"I remember him, Kalin right?"

"Did someone call?" A head popped round the door.

"Kalin!" Cried Legolas. "What are you doing here?"

"I had that funny feeling."

"What feeling?"

"The one that tells me Kai is out causing trouble." Kalin made himself at home on the window seat. "So what has he done now?"

"He has gone missing."

"I like a challenge." Grinned the younger dark elf. "Why?"

"He wants to get his cheating hands on my husband." Glared Emily.

"You must be mistaken Kai is most definitely a ladies elf."

"Let me explain…"

……

"George can I have a word?" Gem pulled George away from Aragorn leaving the man alone with a curious chimp that had developed a strange interest with his beard. "Are you sure this is a good idea? Taking him to Edoras."

"Why not? I'm up for a laugh." George smiled slyly.

"Are you mad?! He'll turn like the rest of them, a damn sight quicker seeing as he is human!"

"That's the genius of it. I mean what respectable slash writer could pass up the chance of the classic Legolas/Aragorn story line."

"I am not entirely sure this is on the up and up. Are you not worried to what Emily may think of this?"

"She'll get over it."

"Help!" Aragorn yelped.

"Cumquat! Bad monkey. No, give Aragorn his…that's not supposed to come off is it?!" Winced George.

……

"You can't leave!" Legolas grabbed Kalin as the elf attempted to flee Edoras.

"Hey! He's hitting on me!" Kalin yelped and delivered a sharp blow to Legolas' groin.

"Watch that! I need that!" Shouted Emily as she had a shot at catching Legolas but failed miserably letting him topple to the floor and curl into a protective ball.

"I'm not staying here!" Kalin was halfway out of the door when he caught the look Emily sent him. "Fine I'll stay and find Kai but as soon as I take a liking to knitting I am out of here."

"Thank you Kalin."

"Well I'd best be off finding that idiot brother of mine." Kalin spared Legolas an apologetic look and disappeared into the corridor.

"Come on Legolas let see if we can rub it better."

……

"If I was Kai and wanted to get into Legolas' pants, where would I go?" Kalin peered out of his brother recently vacated room. "Oh who am I kidding the last time I was anywhere near Legolas' pants was when I filled them with green jelly when I was fifteen." Kalin let out a sigh, "This call for desperate measures." Kalin hopped out the window and scouted the area quickly. 'He'd want to go straight to Legolas but he'd know Emily would be there.' Kalin thought. 'Naturally he would need a distraction to get rid of Emily leaving the way for him.'

"Any luck?" Emily asked.

"What are you doing here?!" Yelped Kalin.

"Apparently Eomer has worked out the perfect cocoa and milk balance to form chocolate. Damned if I am going to miss this!" Emily scuttled off leaving Kalin alone with his mouth open.

"Damn brother!" Cursed Kalin as he burst into a full sprint towards Legolas' room.

……

"Hello Legolas." Drawled Kai causing Legolas to jump up in shock.

"Kai! How…where…why are you here?" Legolas stammered.

"I would have thought that was pretty obvious." Kai stepped closer.

"Kai...I…can't…I mean…"

"Are you telling me that you don't want me?"

Legolas gulped and tried to step back.

"Come now Legolas you were far more malleable in the hallway."

"I can't…Emily…" Legolas fought hard to defy what the place he was in made it so natural to do.

Kai pushed the flustered blond elf up against the wall.

"Please Kai…I can't…"

"I think you'll find you can."

"No really I can't, your brother put a stop to that when he elbowed me in my groin about ten minutes ago." Legolas finally babbled out.

"Huh? My brother?!"

"Good afternoon, gwanur." Kalin strolled in and plucked a gaping Kai off the Prince of Mirkwood.

"Kalin! What are you doing here? Dad doesn't want to see me does he?!" Kai practically jumped at this idea.

"Unfortunately no he doesn't. Though I'm sure the husbands of Mirkwood would love to hear about your sudden liking for males. This could mean an end of having to watch their wives constantly. Although they may have to watch out for themselves!" Kalin burst out laughing at the malicious glare his older brother sent him.

"Ah there you are." Haldir breathed a sigh of relief. "Mae govannen, Kalin. Your presence here is most timely."

"Is that code for 'please remove Kai from my sight'?" At Haldir flush of being read so well Kalin continued, "Do not worry, I am used to clearing up my wayward brother's mess. I shall find great amusement in dragging him back to Mirkwood."

Kai grumbled under his breath but made no attempt to protest as Kalin pulled him out of the room.

"Are you all right Legolas? You look a little hot." Smirked Boromir.

"Fine…I'm…"

"Not one bloody piece of chocolate!" Emily huffed as she swept into the room and fell onto the couch.

Legolas could not help but roll his eyes as he settled down next to his wife.

"Well I had best be off." Began Haldir. "I have a certain King of Gondor to find."

"No need." George staggered into the room and launched himself at the bowl of fruit.

"Why are you sucking a lemon?" Grimaced Emily.

"Food!" Mumbled George as his eye twitched in acidic pain.

"Cheese toasty?" Offered Emily which was snatched out of her hand promptly.

"Aragorn!" Welcomed a surprised Boromir. "I must say you are looking much better these days."

Haldir stepped forward to welcome Aragorn when a strange blue thing fluttered in front of his eyes. Working on instinct he waved it away with his hand and when that failed he picked up a copy of Eomer's Cosmopolitan and squashed the flying thing against the wall.

"This calls for a hearty meal." Suggested Emily. The group descended upon the dining room.

George picked up Cumquat and took a quick look around. "Anyone seen Gem?" His question was met with silence. He shrugged. "Nevermind."

……

A/N: George: There goes Gem, may she rest in peace. holds in a snigger

Emily: Hoped you enjoyed the Kalin cameo, but do not fear. Kai and Kalin will be back. Who else could be the godfathers! Here are the thank yous:

Angel's Heart, Demon's Mind – The last time I saw sunshine was in a dream! Stupid rainy England!

Lil Smartass – Ack! I'm going on a date with Craig! I haven't been on a date in ages! Help!

Poolbum – The K brothers just for you!

Limpet666 – I think Kai should put in every story. No fic is complete without him, Perhaps he could come round and kiss your wrist better.

Galasriniel – You spotted my dig at George Bush. Yes my little comment of my political persuasion! Right now I'm glad I live in England despite the rain. Yay Kalin is back kinda. I promise there will be more of him. Who knew he would be so popular?!


	12. Isn't Science Fun!

A/N: Emily: A special hello and fairy dust to 'you'....you know who you are! Now then, are you all excited, Emily and Legolas take a trip to Earth next chapter which can only mean one thing – Baby!!!!!!!!!!!

George: But for now…

Disclaimer: We own nothing including the traffic cone we nicked last night.

Chapter Twelve – Isn't science fun.

"So you mean you have no idea what so ever." Clarified Aragorn.

"Nothing. If you have any suggestions please let us know." Said George as he scoffed his face full of bananas coated with peanut butter.

"I thought you were supposed to eat weird things." Grimaced Legolas to Emily.

"I have one suggestion." Began Aragorn. "I think we should…get the hell out of here!"

"What happened to 'Aragorn the brave'?" Smirked Emily.

"He is on holiday." Mumbled Aragorn. "Look we have no idea what is going on here, we have no idea how we are supposed to help and just by being here we are making the problem worse!"

"Aragorn is right."

"Gandalf!" Gasped a shocked Haldir and Boromir.

"About time." Muttered George.

"Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!" Screamed Emily who promptly hid behind Legolas.

"I'm sorry, but you said Aragorn was right. Right about what?" Legolas was having a hard time with the concept that Aragorn was right about something which did not include how to sustain the mudpack that seemed to make up the outer layer of the man.

"There is nothing you can do, especially not you two." Gandalf sent a pointed look to Emily and Legolas which induced a nervous flinch from the former.

"What did they do?" George asked as he squashed another banana into his mouth. "See-food." He let out as a giggled after thought.

"They are the reason this is happening. Like you said yourself George, 'Bad things will come of this baby.' It turns out you were right."

"How dare you?" Legolas leapt up. "One more word against my child and I will personally make sure the Istari wizards become instinct!"

"He is quite striking when he gets all forceful." Swooned Aragorn.

"We've lost another one." Sniggered George. Before Legolas and Gandalf got physical (probably not the best way to phrase fighting in Rohan) George finally intervened as the elf and wizard hurled insults. "Now, now guys let's reign in the testosterone."

"That's if Legolas has any left after a near month in this place." Snapped Gandalf in retaliation.

"I'm surprised you know what the words means after your dirty weekend away with Gimli!" Growled Legolas.

"Whoa there, Gandalf, explain what you meant. And try to do it without insulting Spike or Buffy."

"The joining of an elf and a human not of this world resulting in a child has caused a split the time space continuum shifting spatial masses into an orbit of non-consequential form that resulted in a gyratory complex of an undetermined curse that has developed into a multifarious glitch which has concluded the status of a interim in time in a locale predestined by the sands of time." Explained Gandalf.

Silence

"I think my brain just collapsed." Whispered George.

"Was that English because I should understand English but that I couldn't understand I'm quite sure it wasn't English and now I'm rambling and have forgotten to breathe so may actually pass out." Legolas caught Emily as she fainted.

"I think I have developed a hernia." Groaned Aragorn.

"I take it you want that in layman's terms then?" Grinned the wizard.

"Yes please."

"The conception of that child has caused a time delay of non-consequential matter which has created a frequency pattern of goliath proportions which in turn has monopolised the fabric of space into a concentrated anomaly that has caused a defect in the microplasm of an ongoing theme. In result the annual capacity of glitches has condensed and created a mass of phosphoric energy."

"Hands up who wants to smack Gandalf in the head?" Haldir raised a hand and was shortly followed by everyone else.

"Let me see…" Pondered George. "Are you saying that a pool of reactive volume has evolved causing a chemical imbalance forming legions of surface tension on a spectra space wide enough to allow a reoccurring index of electromagnetic consequences that have the ability to cause a major fuck up in the time space continuum?"

"Precisely!" Grinned Gandalf.

"Then why didn't you just say that?" George shook his head.

"That is it, will someone please explain to me without using space, physics, techno geek jargon, what the hell is going on here?!" Yelled Legolas.

"How simple would you like it put?" Asked George.

"Simple enough so that Emily can understand it."

"That simple huh?!"

"Hey!" Protested Emily who had just come round.

"Alright, You Legolas got Emily pregnant. This was not supposed to happen." Began George.

"Why not?" Asked Boromir.

"The chances of that Emily travelling to this Middle-earth and shacking up with that Legolas are so miniscule that it was deemed impossible."

"Yes but it is possible because it has happened." Put in Haldir.

"That is exactly why the world hasn't ended." Cheered George.

"Great, I managed to defy the laws of time and space. Can we celebrate later?! What the hell has that got to do with Rohan's gay population?!" Fumed Emily.

"If what you did was impossible the world would have doubled back on itself and ended. However, because there was a miniscule chance of it happening there has only been a small malfunction in the milieu of Middle-earth and earth respectively."

"And that malfunction is?" Asked Haldir knowing full well what the answer would be.

"The men of Rohan turning gay."

"You said that there would be a glitch in your world?" Asked Boromir curiously.

"There is no knowing what that may be but it will be on the same scale of this. It will affect one area or one group of people." Explained Gandalf.

"So what do we do?" Asked Legolas who had already balled his hand into a fist in preparation for an answer he did not like.

"Nothing." Answered Gandalf. "There is nothing we can do. When the baby is born all will be righted. It is the nature of things. Just like it is the nature of a wood-elf to behave inappropriately when he hears something he doesn't want to!" Added Gandalf snidely.

"Inappropriately! I'll show you a wood-elf behaving inappropriately!" And with that Legolas landed a solid thump to the Gandalf's nose knocking the wizard out cold.

"Dude! You hit Gandalf! That was immense!" Cried George.

"It would seem Legolas is returning to his former self." Said Haldir. "I thought that wasn't supposed to happen when the baby…"

"Fuck!" Screamed Emily.

"Emily?!" Legolas was by his wife's side after stepping over the sprawled out wizard.

"It could be time to get to earth." Groaned Emily as the first contraction subsided.

……

A/N: Emily: I know it's incredibly short but it seemed the perfect way to end this chapter.

George: Next stop…Earth! Yay!

Emily: Get them baby names in otherwise Buffy or Spike could be on the cards! Here are the thank yous:

Ayiicaalime – Shiny thing?! Ooooh I like shiny things. The women at the presentation last night did a speech and mentioned shiny things which totally threw me into fits of giggles which made Miss Holland give me a scary look – damn I thought I was rid of that woman!

Limpet666 – My next stop is to check Kai to see if you have updated 'crosses fingers, toes, ears…' Kai and Kalin will be back soon I promise!

CloakedInsanity – Kai will return along with Kalin and I haven't finished with Aragorn. To be honest Aragorn wasn't even supposed to be in this story but I was accosted be Lil Smartass so gave in.

Angel's Heart, Demon's Mind – I would probably be arrested if I described some the dreams I have had involving Orlando Bloom!

Galasriniel – Ah someone noticed the untimely demise of Gem! You said 'uber' Yay! That word must be spread throughout the world.

Poolbum – My day is not so perfect as it started off with me waking up with last night's make up on a scary hair!

Random-Shiny – Glad your not sick anymore so you can randomly make things shiny!


	13. Soggy Sandals

A/N: Emily: Hello! It's my birthday! Yay! And George hasn't given me a present!

George: I'm working on it.

Emily: Whatever, we're seeing Blink 182 on Sunday, YAY! Here we go…It's time to go to Earth.

Disclaimer: We have decided that we own earth. If an idiot like Bush can rule America, two idiots like us two can rule the world! 'evil laughter'

Chapter Thirteen – Soggy Sandals.

"Where's the Magic bag? We need trifle…trifle…" George ran round in circles did a funny dance and collapsed.

"Well he is certainly useful." Commented Haldir dryly.

"Three…Three and a half…Four…Four and a half." Counted Boromir.

"What are you doing?!" Yelled Emily who grabbed the magic bag herself.

"Counting the minutes between your contractions."

"Well stop it! It's disconcerting!" Emily opened the Magic Bag and summoned up a fridge complete with trifle. "Come on Legolas we have to…" Emily turned to face her husband. "Not him as well!"

Legolas was lying a few feet away from where George had landed.

"Men!" Emily removed some flowers from a vase and poured the stagnant water over the elf's sleeping head.

"Wh…ssphllh!" Spluttered Legolas with a jolt.

"Are you going to keep doing that?!" Scowled Emily as she stormed off and promptly disappeared into the fridge.

Legolas approached the kitchen appliance dubiously. He could remember the trials Orlando Bloom had went through to get back home during the Quest. Legolas looked back at George,

"Emily will want him to come to Earth."

"Don't worry. We'll see he gets there." Smiled Boromir giving the sleeping Gondorian King a nudge with his foot.

With one last nervous smile Legolas entered the fridge.

……

HOOONNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Legolas squinted as an extremely bright light accompanied by a low rumbling and loud horn drew closer.

"Jebus Christ!" Emily grabbed Legolas' arm and pulled him out of the road.

"What in all of Arda was that?!"

"That is a car, and we aren't in Arda anymore. Next time you see a car coming towards you…move!" Emily looked her elf over for any damage. "Well you look…Shiiiiiit!" Yelped Emily as another contraction hit.

"We have to get you to a healer!" Legolas had almost picked Emily up when she poked him in the eye.

"It's Doctor! Damn could you be anymore conspicuous?!" Emily looked at the pointy-eared, long blond haired, greenly dressed elf in front of her complete with weapons. "We need to get you a change of clothes…and maybe a hat." She added as an after thought.

"You are in labour it is hardly the time to be coordinating!"

"Fine! If you want to be probed by the government that's fine by me but I'm not going to hospital until my waters break!" Emily waddled off.

Legolas quickly followed after her. "Emily…I'm sorry, I'm just worried…I can't just let you walk the roads of…" Legolas looked around at the bright lights that surrounded them. He had never seen anything like it. Cars fought for space on the roads, the air was thick with smoke and the sound of brassy music filled his ears. "Where are we?"

"Welcome to Christmas in London." Grinned Emily. "Come on."

Emily took Legolas down some of the quieter back roads.

"Where are we going?"

"Kensington."

"Why?"

"You'll see." Emily made her way up to some steps of a stately Kensington apartment that boasted an underground garage fit for five Ferraris. She knocked loudly on the door.

The door slowly opened. "Emily! Legolas!"

……

"Argh! Baby!" George sat up with a start. "Emily! Where is she?"

"Earth. Which is precisely where you should be." Haldir placed a cold cloth against George's head.

"Well let me up then."

"Oh no you don't, you have mild concussion, you cannot go anywhere alone. One minute you will be fine then next you'll be asleep on the floor!"

"I have to get to earth!"

"We'll escort him." Kai and Kalin grinned sweetly from the doorway.

……

"Hey Orli man, how you doing?" Emily launched herself into the arms of the actor.

"I'm great! Look at you! Wow babes you're pregnant! Congratulations." Orlando ushered Emily and Legolas in. "What brings you to earth?"

Legolas gave Orlando a quick glare still bearing a grudge from the last time they had met. "Emily is in labour." He finally answered.

"What?! Come on I'll drive you to hospital!" Orlando grabbed his keys.

"No, not yet. I was hoping you could spare Legolas some clothes. He isn't exactly blending and what with you two being the same size." Emily smiled.

Orlando returned Legolas' glare and replied through gritted teeth, "Of course, I'll go find something suitable now."

Orlando was half way up the stairs when Emily let out a scream.

"Mellamin! What is wrong?" Cried Legolas.

"Was that a contraction?!" Orlando asked in disbelief.

Emily shook her vehemently and wildly pointed at a dresser across the room. "You have a fricking Furby!!! I hate Furbies!"

Orlando picked the offending toy up and quickly shoved it in a drawer. "Better?"

"Why would you do that?! Place that fiendish object in your home!" Sniffled Emily who was being calmed by Legolas who was trying to hold in his sniggers.

"It isn't mine, it belongs to Kate." Answered Orlando also hiding a smirk.

"Kate?" Emily narrowed her eyes.

"Yes, my girlfriend, she moved in here last week. Her stuffs all over the place at the moment."

"Your girlfriend!" Emily looked practically murderous.

"Are you okay?" Asked Orlando worriedly.

"Perfectly fine." Snapped Emily who promptly fell into a nearby sofa doing her best impression of a beached whale.

"I'll just go and get those clothes." Orlando disappeared off into his maze of a house.

"Who would have thought it? Someone actually lives with that guy." Commented Legolas snidely as he settled next to his wife. "How are you feeling?"

"Like there is a bowling bowl sitting on my bladder." Sighed Emily and she wilfully bit her lip riding out another contraction.

Legolas grabbed her hand, "Just think, soon will have our own baby to love and take care of." Legolas pulled off another award winning look that had Emily melting. She was promptly brought back to solid form as a blond woman strolled into the room with a big package in her arms. She walked straight past Emily and Legolas and deposited the parcel on the table.

"Hide." Whispered Emily and within seconds the elf was nowhere to be seen.

"Orli!" Called the American woman. "Orli are you in?!"

"He's upstairs." Answered Emily from the sofa.

The woman visibly jumped, "Who are you?"

"An old friend of Orlando's."

"Oh how wonderful, I haven't met many of his friends. I'm Kate." She giggled as she extended a beautifully manicured hand.

Emily looked dauntingly at the hand. "Sorry I'm allergic to plastic."

Kate furrowed her brow in confusion, let out another giggle and went back to unpacking her parcel. "I'm sorry I didn't catch your name."

"I don't recall throwing it." Mumbled Emily.

"What?"

"My name is Emily. Orli and I go a long way back."

"Really…I suppose you met in Canterbury then?"

"Will these do?" Orlando walked into the room holding some clothes. "Kate?! You're back early."

"I bought the most beautiful bed linen." She chattered excitedly. "What are the clothes for?"

"Um…they are…um…for the baby! I mean…when it grows up of course." Orlando scratched his head uncertainly.

"Oh wow! You are pregnant!" Kate squealed. Emily rolled her eyes.

"So what did you buy?" Orlando threw the clothes behind the sofa where he figured the elf was hiding.

"It's Egyptian silk." She fussed as she shook the sheets out.

Emily saw the receipt flutter to the ground and slowly lent down to retrieve it. "Bogging hell! Ten grand for some sheets!"

"Oh Orli doesn't mind. Do you Orli?" Chirped Kate as she neatly folded the sheets back up. "I mean you could always do another one of those Lord of the Rings movies. That really brought in the money."

"No babe." Orlando sat down next to Emily which earned him a glare from Legolas who was now behind the curtains.

"Why not?"

"Lord of the Rings is a trilogy babe."

"You could make the fourth in the trilogy."

Emily had to shove her fist in her mouth to absorb the laughter. "You actually date this girl?"

"Trilogy is three babe." Sighed Orlando.

"Oh. Well perhaps you could be in The Hobbit."

"Legolas wasn't in The Hobbit babe."

"I'm sure Peter wouldn't mind adding you."

"It isn't Peter's story, its Tolkien's babe."

"Then ask Tolkien then."

"Tolkien is dead babe."

"Well this is thrilling." Grinned Emily.

Orlando placed a comforting hand on Emily's leg.

"Remove your hand!" Yelled a newly attired Legolas darting out from behind the curtain and practically manhandling Orlando off his seat.

"Man you need to chill out!" Snapped Orlando.

"Will you two stop?! Stop fighting!" Yelled Emily.

"He started it." Shouted a mature Legolas.

"Did not!" Retaliated Orlando.

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

While this 'intellectual' argument rage on everyone failed to notice the gob smacked look that had come over Kate's face.

"He…he…you…look…who…how…" Stammered Kate.

"Orli attend to your girlfriend before she has a fit." Commented Emily who then in turn scrunched up her face in the wave of a contraction.

"Kate I would like you to meet Leg…Lee my twin." Orlando shrugged when Legolas began to have a coughing fit.

"You have a twin? How come you never told me?"

"Yeah Orlando, why didn't you tell her about me?" Smirked Legolas.

"I…um…well you see…Emily used to be my girlfriend and Lee stole her from me. I didn't want him to do it again." Orlando's unconvincing lie would have been spotted by anyone…anyone but Kate.

"Oh you poor thing. You must have been so upset." Kate turned to Legolas. "How could you do that to your own brother?!" She landed a well placed slap to the elf's face.

"Now wait a minute!" Emily dragged herself up. "No one touches my husband without me…" Emily failed to come up a good finish.

"Without what?" Sneered Kate.

At that precise moment Emily's waters broke…on Kate's beautifully crafted Gucci sandals.

"Well that could work." Grinned Emily before promptly falling back onto the sofa and wigging out. "Shit! I'm having a baby! Legolas! Bollocks!"

"Orlando get us to the hospital, NOW!" Legolas with all his Elven strength picked up his rotund wife and followed the actor out the house leaving Kate standing on her own with soggy feet.

"Who's Legolas?" She sniffled to the empty room.

……

A/N: Emily: The birth was supposed to be in this chapter but it got kinda long so we split it in two.

George: The next chapter we will give to you when we feel like it, because we are evil and can! Ha ha ha! You could always send us loads of reviews to massage our egos!

Emily: Ignore him, as soon as the chapter is finalised I'll put it up! Here are the thank yous:

Lil Smartass - Stop plugging your own fic, no one wants to read your trash! My commas are perfect, stop moaning about my grammar there is no way I'm letting you beta read!

CloakedInsanity – I know it was short! Sorry! Hopefully this one is of a more agreeable length! Poolbum has sent me a lovely long list of baby names so all is taken care of.

Gustav – I'm not sure what Legolas would think of Gustav but Me and George like it!

Angel's Heart, Demon's Mind – George loves big words it makes him feel smart!

Poolbum – Loving the baby names. Look out for them!

Limpet666 - Damn you write KAI! I love it when Legolas hits Gandalf it was a pleasure to write. All shall be revealed soon with the baby names.

Galasriniel – Wow you say uber too! Hope the chicken eggs were nice!


	14. Surprise

A/N: Emily: We got some really bad news over at Emily and George towers so we were not at our best when we wrote this chapter. We are slightly worried that it won't be as funny as we hoped it would be. If it really is that bad we will take it down and see if we can rewrite it but to be honest it might take a while.

Disclaimer: I own an overdraft after my Christmas shopping splurge.

Chapter Fourteen – Surprise!

"How many antenatal classes have you been to?" Asked the nurse.

"Ante-what? Is that some kind of protest?" Returned Emily still fuming from the fact that she was shoved into a wheelchair after being deemed unable to walk.

"Urm…no not quite…how about scans?" The nurse continued as she pushed Emily into the birthing room.

"Nope no scans." Answered Emily as she looked around for Legolas. "Where did…excuse me but where did my husband go?"

"Oh the cute one. He should be filling in some forms."

Ignoring the cute comment Emily launched into one, "What? He can't!"

"Why not?"

"Um…he…he…he can't write…or…read!" Stammered Emily while clambering onto the bed.

"Oh no worries, we can sort that out later. Shall I go fetch him for you?"

"Oh no I think I'll have my baby on my own." The nurse seemed to miss the sarcasm in Emily's voice and nodded politely. "Of course I bloody want you to fetch him!" Yelled Emily as she suffered another contraction.

A few minutes later a flustered looking Legolas stumbled into the room. "Are they always that rough?!" Asked Legolas as he rubbed some lipstick off his face.

"Only with Orlando Bloom look-alikes."

"I am not an Orlando Bloom look-a…" Legolas' pouted remark was interrupted by a doctor walking into the room.

"I'm the midwife, my name is Mr. Read and you are…" The man paused as he looked down to check his clipboard. "Mrs. Emily Greenleaf."

"You're a man." Blurted Legolas using that renowned Elven perceptiveness of his.

"Yes. Well done perhaps you should become a doctor." Replied the midwife sarcastically causing Legolas to narrow his eyes.

"Ignore him. Lee is just very protective aren't you darling?" Legolas sourly nodded so Emily continued, "As long as you have a bus load of drugs I couldn't care less if you were man, woman or ferret."

"Then I needn't have bothered shaving." Grinned the midwife. "Well it looks like it won't be long before you will have to start pushing so I'll just get the gas and air set up."

……

"Is this edible." Asked Kalin as he prodded some yoghurt with his finger.

"Stop touching things!" Yelled George for the eighth time.

George escorted by Kai and Kalin had arrived on earth ten minutes ago where at first he collapsed for five minutes due to his mild concussion then immediately went home and began ringing round hospitals.

"What about this?" Kalin sniffed some off milk which nearly knocked the poor elf out.

"Bingo! I found the hospital." George slammed the phone down. "Kalin come on! Wait…where is Kai?!"

"Dunno…he said something about…" Kalin stopped as he discovered chocolate moose. "…sweet Valar what is this?!"

"What did he say?!"

"Who?" Kalin shoved another pot into his pocket.

"Kai!"

"Oh him…um…oh yeah…he said he wanted to explore."

"What?!" George could feel the vein in his temple throbbing. "Explore what, the house?"

"No, he went outside, he mentioned wooing the ladies of Earth." Kalin frowned as the fridge finally ran out of chocolate moose.

Kai was alone in London. George did not know who to be more afraid for, the elf or the city! George was almost out the door when he felt a sudden bout of dizziness and collapsed again.

About two hundred yards up the road stood Kai as he watched the busy crowds of London begin to disperse for the night. It was then he spotted the flashing sign above a night club.

"Pussy Galore?" He read aloud. "Sounds like fun."

……

"Push." Encouraged the midwife.

"What do you think I am doing?!" Screamed Emily.

"Emily, could you…let go of my hand." Whimpered Legolas as he heard the bone in his baby finger crack. "It kind of hurts."

"HURTS! Do you really want to know the meaning of pain?!" Emily practically roared. "Give me some smegging drugs."

"It is not long now, I can see the head. When you feel the next contraction I want you to push really hard."

"The head, are you sure?" Emily asked frantically. "Legolas go check!"

"I can assure you that…wait…did you call him Legolas?" The midwife knitted his brows together in confusion.

"Never mind that! I had the weirdest dream that I gave birth to a furby! Legolas go check!"

Legolas made his way to the end of the bed. "Everything seems to be…" That was as far as Legolas got before it all got a bit much for him and he fainted.

"Useless!" Yelled Emily as she pushed for the last time as the baby was born.

"It's a girl!" Exclaimed the midwife.

……

George opened his eyes slowly aware of the dull throb emanating from his bruised skull.

"Kalin?" George dragged himself up. "Kalin?" Upon no answer George stepped out the door and blinked at the sight before him. Here he was in the middle of London and he had lost two elves. "Bollocks!"

"Did you say something?" Came a voice from above him.

George looked up to spot Kalin sitting in one of the last remaining trees of London.

"What are you doing?"

"Keeping the tree company." Answered Kalin nonchalantly.

"What?!"

"Well he is all alone; he said the humans cut down all his friends."

"He said…?! This is no time to start behaving like Mother Nature, we need to find Kai."

"Why am I the sensible one? Kai can run off whenever he pleases and everyone just dismisses it. If I were to run off everyone would think there was something wrong with me."

"Do I look like a professor in sibling psychiatry?!"

Kalin stuck his jaw out like a petulant child.

"Please come down." Whined George. "If you come down I'll get you present!"

"Like what?"

"A smack in the face." Mumbled George.

"I heard that!"

"Sorry, sorry I didn't mean it…I'll get you um…some…more chocolate moose!" At first George thought his offer had been ignored, it was not until Kalin landed neatly beside him that he realised that he was going to need a lot of chocolate moose before the night was out. "Right, well where do your Elven senses tell you that Kai has disappeared to?"

"I would have thought that was pretty obvious." Kalin pointed at the flashing lapdance sign across the road.

George and Kalin entered the club with caution, not sure of what havoc Kai may have induced. However, everything seemed quiet enough, well, as quiet as a lapdance club called Pussy Galore could be. George scanned the club quickly trying, but failing, to ignore the buffet of gyrating women. It was not until a high pitched cackle from a buxom Barbie caught his attention that George noticed the darkling elf surrounded by no less than twelve lapdancers.

"Kai!"

"George. Fancy seeing you here!" Grinned Kai. "I want you to meet some friends of mine. This is Chantelle, Chardonnay, Trisha, Julia, Lia, Tania, Chelsea, Leanne, Carly, Sharon, Haylie and Crystal."

"Hi George." Chorused the girls in their best sultry voices.

"Hey I'm Kalin." Kalin decided he was not going to miss out on the fun.

"Well aren't you the little cutie." Lia crooned pulling the darkling elf down next to her.

"Kalin! Kai! We need to get going, we have to go to the hospital!" Yelled George.

"Can I bring the girls?" Asked Kai.

"No!"

"Well I'm staying here then."

"All right fine! You can choose one."

"Um...?" Kai looked around him feigning deep thought.

"Come on! We need to get to the hospital!"

"I thought we were getting more chocolate moose." Whined Kalin.

"Chocolate moose?" Inquired Kai.

Julia lent over and whispered into Kai's ear, "I know something you can do with chocolate moose."

"I've chosen!" Announced Kai quickly.

"Excellent." Sighed George.

……

"Mr. Greenleaf, sir, can you hear me? You have a daughter." It was this last statement that woke Legolas up with a start. The elf shot up almost knocking over the poor nurse kneeling over him and joined Emily who was holding their baby.

"She's so tiny." Whispered Legolas. "She looks just like you."

"She's perfect." Gushed Emily.

"If we could just take her for her check up." One of the nurses lent down and tried to handle the baby which being Emily's daughter lashed out with a chubby leg and kicked the nurse in the nose.

Legolas and Emily beamed proudly.

"Can't he just stay with us?" Protested Emily as the baby was taken away.

"I'm sorry but it will not be long before the contractions start again." Informed the midwife.

"Huh?" Gaped Emily.

"For you next baby."

"What baby?" Asked Legolas in complete confusion.

"You do know that you are pregnant with more than one baby…don't you?" The midwife was met with silence. "Oh…um…well…congratulations." He offered uncertainly.

"Noooooo! I don't want to give birth again! This is your fault!" Emily yelled at Legolas.

"What?! How was I supposed to know we were having twins?!"

"Um…no…" The midwife gently interrupted, "No you're not having twins…you're having triplets."

Legolas fainted for a third time that day.

……

A/N: George: Cool triplets! And Emily said I can name one! OH YEAH!

Emily: I'm going to regret that! Here are the thank yous to all FOUR!!!!! reviews:

Ayiicaalime – Perhaps I should buy you some throat sweets.

Angel's Heart, Demon's Mind – What does labour feel like? Hmmm...? Painful!

Lil' rook – I wish we had a thousand reviews!

Eltavor – Thankies, we intend to keep going even if everyone gets sick of us! You'll never stop us! 'evil laugh'


	15. How NOT to save a goldfish

A/N: Emily: Happy Christmas!!!!!!! We are a tad drunk and have not beta read the last part off this chapter. Sorry this is late, I blame George because he couldn't fix the computer when I deleted the chapter.

George: Emily has yet to discover the save button.

Disclaimer: I disclaim the Pringles that Lil Smartass is currently eating…oh and all the Lord of the Rings characters.

Chapter Fifteen – How NOT to save a goldfish.

"I want chocolate moose, you said I could have chocolate moose, where's my chocolate moose, I don't see any chocolate moose!" Kalin was on a roll.

"SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR STUPID FRIGGING CHOCOLATE MOOSE!" Screamed George.

"Did you just say 'chocolate moose'?" Grinned Kalin.

"Fine! I give up, we will go and get some chocolate moose and then you will never mention it ever again, and then we can go to the hospital! Agreed?"

"Agreed."

George wandered into the local 'sell everything at criminally high prices' store closely followed by a drooling Kalin, followed by a just as drooling Kai who was investigating what was under Julia top.

"No touching, no taking, if you want something you will ask me and I will say no. Got it?" George laid down the shopping ground rules.

"Got it." The brothers chorused.

……

"Put a grapefruit under his nose." Instructed Emily as her previous suggestion of 'kick him in the head' had failed to wake Legolas up.

"Emily!"

"What the hell are you doing here?! Didn't I send you to an eternity in Maths class?!" Yelled Emily as her old friend Elizabeth ran in the room.

Elizabeth did a funny little dance and keeled over.

"Great." Sighed Emily as the nurse dragged both the bodies out and left them in the corridor to recover.

……

"Can I get this?" Asked Kai.

George struggled to see what Kai was holding behind the mountain of chocolate moose that Kalin had assembled in George's arms. "No!"

"It's a fish." Supplied Kai as he held up a bag with a gormless goldfish in it.

"I said no!"

"But it's a cute fish."

"Noooo!"

"It's a present."

"Who would want a fish?!"

"Emily!" Grinned Kai.

"I can assure you Emily will not want a fish."

"It's for the baby."

"Why would a baby want a fish?"

"To watch it."

"If I say no will you steal it?"

Kai nodded.

"Fine! Put it on top of the moose."

"Nooooooo! Not the mountain!" Kalin launched himself in front of the chocolate moose.

"Is that chocolate round your mouth." Asked George.

"No." Answered Kalin guiltily. "It's um…mud."

"Mud?"

"I was…looking…um…for um…worms."

"Worms? In a grocery store?" George raised an eyebrow as he dumped the chocolate moose on the counter.

"Well Kai found a fish!"

"Fair enough." George shrugged and placed the fish on the counter.

……

Legolas awoke suddenly to the screams of Emily delivering their second child. He was about to get up when he noticed Elizabeth next to him.

"Arggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!" The elf's scream woke Elizabeth, who in turn started screaming.

"Ahhhhh!!!!!!!"

"What in all of Arda are you doing here?!" Yelled Legolas as he sprung to his feet.

"Emily's having a baby!" Yelped Elizabeth.

"I know that! How did you know?!"

"I was walking past the hospital, I saw Orlando Bloom! I glomped him and giggled and mentioned Emily not meeting him but meeting you, then I did a funny dance and fainted, then he woke me up and I accidentally groped his leg so he pointed me in the direction of Emily where next thing I know you're screaming at me!"

"Go away!"

"What? Why?"

"You died my hair pink!"

"You're still blaming me for that?! That was ages ago, and it wasn't me!"

"If it wasn't you who was it?!"

"Your wife! Who is currently having your children!"

"Emily would never…children! Babies!" Legolas ran into the birthing room leaving Elizabeth to discover what the loud noise was down the hallway.

"Nice of you to join us!" Screamed Emily mid contraction.

"I'm sorry that idiot friend of yours is here."

"Oh I thought I had just dreamt her being here."

"Sadly not."

"I've decided what to do with the names." Began Emily.

"What names?"

"The names of the babies, one of which is coming out now!!!!!!!!!" Yelled Emily causing Legolas to flinch nervously.

"Would you like me to do anything?" Offered Legolas.

"Eedee kchortoo!" Screamed Emily. (Go to hell)

"What was that?!"

"I believe that was Russian. Emily could you bear down on the next contraction please?" Supplied the midwife.

"Russian?!" Asked a bemused Legolas who was having his hand crushed again.

"Yorkee-palkee!" Yelped Emily. (Bloody hell)

"Okay, I can see the head, you're doing really well. Just two more pushes and you'll be able to welcome your baby to the world…after three I want you to push really hard!" Encouraged the midwife. "One…two…three…"

Emily mid push decided her arms needed to do something and gave Legolas and big shove sending the elf sprawling across the floor.

"Excellent." Grinned the midwife. "One more big push!" Legolas had just managed to compose himself when a large wailing baby was placed in his arms. "Say hello to your first son."

"Hey I gave you an heir." Emily managed a smile before stifling a yawn. "He looks like you."

Legolas grinned and passed the baby to Emily. "What are we going to call them?"

"I was thinking that you could name the first, I the second and the third one could be named by…George." Emily mumbled the last word which of course Legolas heard.

"George! Are you mad?!"

"He can't choose anything that bad."

"No way. He is not naming our baby."

"Oh so I'll just name the third one Kai then."

Legolas glared at his wife. "We shall discuss this later." He said through gritted teeth.

"Agreed. So what are you going to name our little girl?"

"Ellette. It means little elf."

"It's perfect."

"I'm sorry to interrupt but the third baby is ready to greet the world." The midwife gently picked up Legolas and Emily's son and gave him to a nurse.

"Can't we wait till tomorrow?" Yawned Emily.

"I'm afraid the baby won't wait."

"I don't think I can do this again."

Legolas grabbed her hand. "Hey if you do this I promise George can name the baby whatever he wants, with exception to Buffy or Spike."

"Let's do this."

……

"Kai I told you not to touch that!" Yelped George as Kai tried to stab Kalin with some random injection. The younger of the brothers was to busy eating chocolate moose to notice how close he was to being anesthetised.

"What's going on?!" Elizabeth pulled Kalin out of the way only to step in the way of the injection. "Priceless." She mumbled just before she collapsed.

"Hey Liz." Greeted George as he stepped over her and instructed Julia to keep Kai entertained.

"George!" Cried Kalin suddenly.

"What?"

"I've run out of moose!"

"Tough!"

"Noooooo! I need more, must have chocolate moose!" The elf was practically shaking.

"I think you've had enough." Cautioned George as he helped the elf into a nearby seat.

"Must have chocolate moose!"

"There isn't any chocolate moose in a hospital."

"Need moose!"

"I can't get you moose Kalin, I'm sorry!" The elf was now in tears. "What about chocolate, you can get chocolate from a vending machine."

"Vending machine?"

"It's a big box with lots of chocolate behind a glass window." Kalin was already out the door. "You need mon…oh nevermind."

"George, what do these do?" Kai asked. George had just enough time to scream before he was attacked with a fibrillater.

……

"I need you to push Emily." Instructed the midwife.

"Why don't you just flipping pull it out?!" Screamed Emily. "

"Come on meleth nîn." Whispered Legolas.

"I am never sleeping with you again!"

"This is not my fault. I distinctly remember the fact that you are half responsible for this situation!"

"You are arguing with me! I'm giving birth to your elflings and you're having a go at me! Typical!"

"I am not…"

"As I remember it was you who came up with the ingenious rhyme, 'I want triplets, you want twins, let's jump into bed and see who wins!' Well I guess you won!"

"It was a…"

"Svolach." Interrupted Emily. (Bastard)

"Stop cursing in Russian!"

"How did you know I was cursing?!"

"It's your tone."

"Doora." Mumbled Emily. (Idiot)

"Okay guys we're nearly at an end here, bear down for me." The midwife successfully stopped Legolas' snide comment. "And one last push…It's a boy!"

"You did it! I'm so proud of you melanin!" Gushed Legolas as he held their third child.

"Can you wake me up in about ten years?" Sighed Emily.

"Wouldn't you like to see all your babies?" The nurse wandered in and placed the first two babies in their mother's arms.

"You're a mummy now." Smiled Legolas.

"You'd better believe it Daddy Greenleaf!"

"I'm an Uncle!" Cried George as he staggered into the room.

"Kakova chorta..?" Asked Emily. (What the hell..?)

"Why are speaking in Russian?" George scratched his head where he discovered this hair standing on end.

"Oh sorry…What the hell happened to you?"

"Kai discovered the wonders of hospital equipment. In short he electrocuted me with the fibrillaters."

"Kai is here!" Yelled Legolas.

"And Kalin…Now where is my beautiful nephew?!" Gushed George. "Hey look there are three…why are there three?!"

"It's called over excited sperm." Emily commented dryly.

"Kai and Kalin are both here! Where are they?" Asked Legolas slightly worried about the foundations of the hospital.

"Julia is keeping Kai company in the store cupboard and…"

"Julia..?"

"Best not to ask…and Kalin is currently discovering the cruel reality that is the vending machine."

……

"Give me chocolate!" Yelled Kalin for the eighth time. It was then that he snapped and began to wrestle with the machine. It wasn't until he smashed his head through the glass that he got any chocolate. "Hmmm…chocolate…my precioussssssss."

"Are you feeling okay brother?" Asked Kai as he helped his brother off the floor.

"Perfect." Kalin crooned as he stuffed a KitKat in his mouth. "Where's Julia?"

"I wore her out." Kai grinned cheekily. "I have a problem…I killed my present."

"Huh?"

"The fish is floating on its side…I don't think it is supposed to do that."

"What do you want me to do about it?"

"I can't give a dead fish to a baby."

"Well I don't know…why don't you give it mouth to mouth or something?"

"Will that work?"

"Possibly…only don't blow too hard it's…" Too late Kai blew a elf's lung full of air into a tiny fish lung resulting in an exploding fish.

"Whoops."

"You got fish guts on my chocolate!" Yelled Kalin who began to chase his brother down the corridor.

……

"What are their names?" Asked George as he rocked the third baby to sleep.

"The little girl is Ellette, the first boy is…" Emily looked at Legolas nervously, "…Pierre and the third we want you to name."

Legolas manfully bit his lip and resigned himself to living with a son called Pierre. Pierre would be a lot easier to cope with if he knew the name that had just popped into George's head.

"Really you mean that?" George asked excitedly.

"Of course, don't we Legolas?"

Legolas nodded stiffly.

"Well…" George looked down at the baby. "I think I shall name you…"

George was interrupted by two darkling elves flying into the room.

"Baby…babies?!" Yelped Kai. "Did you steal them?"

"They're triplets Kai." Informed Emily.

"Cool."

"What is that red on your face?" Asked George worriedly.

"Fish guts."

"Get that away from my babies!" Yelled Legolas.

"What are their names?" Asked Kalin pulling Kai out of Legolas' range.

"The girl is Ellette, the boy Legolas' is holding is Pierre and that one is…" Emily paused and looked at George.

George grinned. "Xavier."

……

Emily: Wow three babies!

George: Those boys are going to get such stick for their names when they are growing up!

E: I'm not the one that named a kid after an X-Man!

G: Just because all you could come up with a Pierre!

E: Shut up! Pierre is a mint name! Anyway here are the thank yous:

Angel's Heart, Demon's Mind – Legolas should be punished for the pain he has put me through!

Ayiicaalime – I love the fluffy birthday pressie. I took a pic of it on my phone and it is now my background.

Lil Smartass – You ate all my Pringles – you fiend! You as a Godmother! It's a good job Kai sedated you!

Eltavor – I'm sure having triplets is hysterical! Ack! I'm so never having more than one baby!

Limpett666 – Mofo's! I love that word! Castration for Legolas could well be on the cards! Glad you still found the chapter funny despite George and I having a humour lobotomy. It's hard to find anything funny when your only baby (namely the dog) dies. I know some people think that isn't a great tragedy but losing our dogs was really hard on us. We love that smelly dog. Oh and damn you…right another Kai chapter!

Poolbum – Being left with Kai and Kalin could be a nice thing especially if you are a girl!

Galasriniel – I asked my mum what it was like to give birth to help me with this chapter but she refused to help by saying 'I do not ever want to be reminded of that ever again!' That gave me all the inspiration I needed!


	16. Meet the Parents

George: Happy New Year! It has taken Emily four months to discover where the headphone port on her laptop is! There is no hope for IT skills exam in March! He he he!

Emily: It was camouflaged!

G: Whatever.

E: The Phantom of the Opera!

G: If you sing that one more time I shall have to decapitate you!

E: 'Gulp'

G: Anyhow this is the penultimate chapter guys and have we got an ending for you!

E: Oh a big thank you to Lil Smartass who really helped with the ending of this chapter. So any complaints you can blame her!

Disclaimer: We own two major hangovers, a surplus of turkey and those weird mini sausage roll thingies. Other than that we own nothing.

Chapter Sixteen – Meet the parents.

"Hey, he kinda looks like me!" Suggested Orlando with a cheeky grin as he held Xavier in his arms. The third baby had dark hair with ran in neither of his parents families.

"Are you sure you didn't sleep with Orlando?" George asked his sister.

Legolas was on the verge of killing someone, he was not sure who he wanted to strangle but George was looking to be the most likely target.

"How could anyone sleep with a state?" Asked a bemused Kate.

"Who invited her?" Grumbled Emily.

"She does live here." Reminded Orlando who had kindly put up Emily, George, three elves and three new born babies.

"Argh!!!!!!!!!!!" Everyone turned to Kai who was yelling.

"What?"

"What is this?!" Kai threw the offending object across the room which neatly landed in Emily's lap.

"Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Emily leaped up despite still being in pain.

"It's just a Furby." Kate picked her toy up.

"Someone really should get rid of that thing." Commented Legolas.

"No!" Protested Kate who hugged her Furby fiercely.

"Sorry love but I'm only following orders." Kalin grinned as he pushed Kate out of the back door and locked her out.

"I meant the Furby not the girlfriend." Legolas re-put.

"Oh well." Kalin ignored Orlando's glare and went back to eating Orlando's supply of chocolate.

"What happens when we take him back to Middle-earth where there is no chocolate?" Whispered George to Emily.

"Remember that time we had to wean Professor Roberts off of chalk dust after we coated all his cigarettes with it…"

"Yeah…Jesus, I've never seen a grown man weep so much in my life!"

"It will be a bit like that, only about twenty times worse!"

"Kai don't touch…" Too late Kai had pressed the on button for the television.

Bright pictures transmitted into the room and the three elves gaped in wonder.

"What is that?" Asked a mesmerised Kalin.

"That is a television; it's like a theatre only smaller and less people bursting into song every time they feel an emotion." Explained George. "Unless of course they are showing a musical."

"What's a musical?" Asked Kalin.

"The Phantom of the Opera is here inside your mind!" Sang Emily.

"Who's in my mind?" The elf was now mightily confused.

"The Phantom!"

"Phantom?"

"Stop plugging that bloody movie!" Yelled George.

"It looks familiar." Commented Legolas who was now sat right in front of the screen.

"That is because this years Christmas film is 'The Lord of the Rings.'"

"Hey look Legolas is in the box!" Cried Kalin.

Legolas turned back to the screen to be greeted by the sight of a miniature him running out of the mines of Moria. "It's me!"

"Actually I think you'll find that is me." Corrected Orlando.

Legolas grimaced slightly but then went back to watching the film, "Look we're going to Lothlorien! Haldir!"

"Are you all right Kai?" Asked Emily who noticed the dazed look on Kai's face.

"He's in the box! We have to get him out!"

"Huh?"

Before anyone could stop him Kai was upon the television and dismantling it with his long knife.

"My TV!" Yelped Orlando.

"Kai! Kai!" Legolas grabbed the darkling elf. "Kai! I'm not in the box!" It was no use Kai was blabbering and swinging his knife in a crazed frenzy. There was only one thing for it. Legolas landed a solid thump to Kai face sending the elf sprawling across the floor.

"Brother are you all right?" Kalin rolled Kai over.

"I had the strangest dream. Legolas was in a box, and Emily had three babies and then there was this guy who was Legolas but had better hair…"

"Shall I hit him again?" Growled Legolas.

"Perhaps it is time we thought about going home." Suggested George.

"I think you may be right." Agreed Emily.

"No we can't go home yet!" Protested Kalin. "I want to explore this world a bit more."

"I'm afraid it would far too dangerous for you three elves to go gallivanting around earth." Said Emily.

"It cannot be that bad out there."

"It not you three I'm worried about!"

……

"Are we there yet?" Whined Kai.

"We've only just got on the bus!" Yelled George.

"I still don't see why we couldn't take Orli's car." Grumbled Emily. "We would be at the shopping centre by now!"

"I would have loved to see us two plus three elves fit into his sleek sports car!"

"Ssssh! Stop mentioning the word elf! People are looking!"

"Well we are hardly the most inconspicuous of people are we?! What with an Orlando Bloom look-alike and those two!" George looked over to Kai and Kalin who had raided Orlando's wardrobe for hats and ended up with a Kalin wearing a random beret and Kai supporting the same feathered hat Orlando had worn in Pirates of the Caribbean.

"We are so going to be busted. It's been nice knowing you brother." Groaned Emily.

"Don't worry Em, it will be those three that get probed." Sniggered George.

"I don't want Legolas to get probed, what happens if he likes it?!"

"Excuse me?!" Legolas began to cough violently.

"What happens if I press this button?" Asked Kai staring at the little red button in front of his seat.

"That's if you want the bus to stop." Replied George.

Ding, Ding.

"Don't press it!"

"But I want the bus to stop."

"Why?"

Kai shrugged and went back to staring at the button as the bus pulled up to stop.

Ding, Ding.

"Stop it!" Yelled Emily.

Ding, Ding.

……

"You got us thrown off the bus!" George curled into a heap on the pavement.

Kai shrugged.

"Great! I thought you wanted to get some souvenirs of earth before we went back home?" Emily joined George on the pavement.

"Maybe we could just find stuff, like…this!" Kai suggested.

"That's a traffic cone Kai."

"It's not just A traffic cone it is now MY traffic cone."

"Okay keep the traffic cone."

"What is a significant part of your culture?" Asked Kalin looking around for something to filch.

"Fish and Chips." Answered George.

"Ignore him. Music is a big thing…maybe you could take a CD back to Middle-earth, something like Iron Maiden!"

"And yes while he is playing his 'cultured' music on his non-existent CD player he could reminisce about the time I tried to wire up Middle-earth and ended up frying like a an egg on a bald man's head!"

"Oooh we could get him a guitar!" Squeaked Emily

"A guitar?" Kalin helped Emily off the floor as she wriggled about impatiently.

"It's an instrument." Explained Emily. "And I know exactly where we can get one!"

"You're not thinking of going to…You are aren't you! Are you mad?" George shrieked.

"What's going on?" Asked Legolas worriedly.

"Legolas darling, how would you like to meet my parents?" Emily smiled sweetly.

"Do I have a choice?"

"Nope."

"I guess I'm in then."

……

"Press the doorbell then." Instructed Emily.

"Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean what do you expect Mum and Dad to say? 'Oh hello kids, would you like me to warm up your dinner for you, the chicken might be a bit dry!'" Snapped George.

"Chill out. Mum will be fine once she finds out she has some grandkids, and don't worry about Dad he'll just carry on watching whatever film he has decided to put on today."

"I hope you are right."

"I'll press it!" Kai jumped forward and poked the bell repeatedly until his ringer went through it. "Whoops."

"Did we have to bring him?" Grumbled George as the door slowly opened.

"Emily! George! I hope you are hungry I've just cooked a lovely roast. Oh you've brought guests; well there is plenty of food to go around!" Greeted Emily and George's mum with a beaming smile.

"See, told you so." Emily followed her mum in. "Mum I'd like you to meet Legolas, my husband."

There was a slight pause.

"Your husband! Well I'd better have a look at him then!" Mum looked the now quite frightened elf up and down. "He's a bit on the skinny side and he could do with a haircut." She paused again and circled him slowly. "Does he have any tattoos?"

"They have triplets!" Piped up Kai helpfully.

"Grandchildren! Three of them! Oh well you must make yourself at home young Legolas. So where are you from then?"

"Um…Mirkwood."

"Is it warm there because Emily gets ever so moody in the winter complaining about the cold?" Continued Mum.

Legolas smirked at his wife. "Yes it is lovely and warm in Mirkwood."

"So mum?" Began Emily changing the subject. "Where's Dad?"

"Oh he's watching The Pink Panther. You couldn't be a dear and tell him dinner is ready could you?"

"Sure." Emily wandered off to the living room.

"So George are you married?"

"Not yet, working on it." George shifted nervously; the 'm' word always produced an odd rash on his arm. "Hey mum, this is Kai and Kalin, they are the triplets Godfathers!"

"What?!" Legolas tripped over the rug.

"Oh how lovely! Won't you two come and sit down." Mum directed the three elves and George to the table.

……

"Um…Dad…dinner's ready." Announced Emily.

"Oh good." Dad got up and walked out the room only to quickly run back in. "Emily! I thought you'd disappeared off to Middle Earth or something." He laughed.

"What a ridiculous idea." Emily grinned and begun to nervously hum.

"Are you here to stay?"

"Unfortunately not. Um…dad there is someone I want you to meet." Emily led dad into the dining room. "Dad this is Legolas, my…um…husband."

"Is that so?" Dad said ominously as he sat down slowly opposite to a now terrified Legolas. "And what is it that you do Legolas?"

"Not a lot." Mumbled Kai as he shovelled potatoes into his mouth.

"Well I…um…I was a member of the Fellowship…and I…I'm an expert archer!"

"And does that pay well?"

"He's a Prince. He's got loads of money." Added Kalin.

"Prince! Pah! That is nothing I'm a King." George announced smugly.

"Oh George how wonderful." Smiled Mum indulgently.

"A Prince you say? I never really thought much of the monarchy." Commented Dad.

"Me too!" Agreed Kai.

Legolas glared at his 'royal' bodyguard.

"Will Emily be expected to produce an heir to your throne?" Dad asked threateningly.

Legolas went white and found the gravy on his plate rather fascinating.

"Oh she already has!" Kai downed his wine and nearly spat it out when he saw Legolas' eye twitch nervously.

"Oh really?"

"Not just one, three!" Added Kalin.

"So not only did you marry my daughter you impregnated her three times!"

"Well would you look at the time!" Emily jumped up and knocked over her chair. "Legolas, come and help me find the guitar." Legolas did not need to be asked twice and almost sprinted upstairs.

Emily led Legolas into her old room and began rooting around in her wardrobe.

"Emily?"

"Yes dear."

"What is that?"

"What?" Emily stood up and turned to see what Legolas was pointing at. "Oh…that would be my cardboard cut-out of…um…well…you…really."

"That is creepy." Legolas circled it warily. "It's shorter than me."

"Could fold it in half so we can take it with us?"

"Fold it! I can't do that, he's looking at me, I mean I'm looking at me, no wait…" Legolas sat down on the bed thoroughly confused.

"Why don't you just hold the guitar hunny?" Emily thrust the instrument into Legolas' hands. "Right we had best be off before Dad decides to resume his Spanish inquisition."

"I like that idea. Emily…do we really have to bring the cut-out?"

"Why, don't you like it?"

"Kai will use it for archery practice." Sniffed Legolas.

"We could hide it!"

"Where?!"

"You could use it as camouflage in battles! Oh and think of all the fun I could have with two Legolas'!" Giggled Emily.

"Are you two done up there?" Yelled George from downstairs.

"Look Kalin we found you a guitar! Kalin?!" Emily looked around for the youngest elf.

"He found mum's chocolate stash." Explained George.

"Do you really have to go?" Asked Mum. "You've only just arrived and I really would love to feed your husband a bit more."

"We really have to be off." Emily paused as her phone began to beep incessantly.

"Here, take this cooking book. Perhaps Emily can learn to cook a nice meal for you." Legolas accepted the book gratefully. Anything that would stop the jelly and peanut butter sandwiches Emily made nightly would be a blessing. Peanuts did nothing for an elf's complexion.

"Orlando's on his way here with the triplets, he said if one more squiggly baby poo landed on his carpet he would have to throttle them!" Emily informed.

Orlando arrived ten minutes later looking sorely worse for wear and promising never to have children. He said his goodbyes, gave Emily a kiss much to Legolas' annoyance and shot off again in his shiny car that had George drooling in green eyed envy.

"Well I think that went very well." Sighed George as the group set off to find a quiet spot where they could place their teleporting trifle. "Considering Kalin was sick over the bathroom wall as well as the ceiling."

"Are you sure it isn't in my hair?" Asked Kalin hurriedly scraping his fingers through his hair.

"Why am I holding everything?" Moaned Kai as he struggled to balance Xavier, a guitar, a cardboard cut-out and a traffic cone in his arms.

"Quit whining Kai and listen up, I'm going to teach you elves some road safety." Began Emily who passed Ellette to Legolas. Emily turned so that her back was to the road and that she faced George and the three elves. "Firstly, you must always look both ways."

Legolas rocked Ellette back and forth and sighed, 'Where did Emily get all her energy from.' He was an elf and could do with a months sleep and anyway weren't women who had just given birth supposed to stay in bed?

"Secondly," Continued Emily, "You must wait until there is nothing in your path. You must not leap into the road and challenge it to a combat." Emily looked at Kai poignantly. As she continued to explain the wonders of zebra crossings and the marvels of traffic lights Emily took a step back off the kerb.

George held up a hand, "Why are you teaching us road safety? You've been hit by a car on many an occasion."

"Yes and I pride myself on my expertise of not dying when hit by said automobiles. Besides, some good things come of nearly being run over. Remember Adam?"

"Your ex-boyfriend? The one who looked like a younger version of Orlando Bloom?"

"Yep. I met him by almost getting run over." A car was speeding along ominously close to hitting Emily as she discussed her past conquests.

Legolas pushed Ellette into Kai's already full arms and lunged forward intent on pulling Emily to safety. Emily, however, wrongly informed by the murderous glint in Legolas' eyes at the mention of Adam leapt backwards, right into the path of the on coming vehicle.

……

A/N: George: Oooh cliffy!

Emily: Here are the thank yous:

Poolbum – yes we used the name Ellette! Feel free to use Kai and Kalin. They like being used!

Angel's Heart, Demon's Mind – My house is practically brimming to the pointof explosion with chocolate! I think the idea of triplets is cute! Three lil babies!

Lildoe – Thank you, it was a tough experience but was worth it in the end!

Limpet666 – Hey you! Yay for new KAI chapter! George is obsessing over X-Men as you can probably tell! Now go and spread the joy and drunkenness of Kai!

Galasriniel – The Russian was courtesy of a little Russian dictionary. George and I are actually roughly a quarter Russian so it was quite fun to use the language!

Chaotic Jinx – Hey you are back. I've been missing your reviews! I've met Eomer. He he he. Very cute in real life and also not gay! I'm with you on the word 'fish'. You can use Kai and Kalin we don't mind. Describe them? Well… think Legolas but slightly butcher and with very dark hair. That would Kai (he kinda reminds me of what I would imagine Elladan to look like). Kalin is basically a slightly shorter Kai with lighter hair.

DreamWeaverEveninMist – We love new reviewers! Welcome to our world.


	17. So long, farewell, auf weidersehn, goodb...

Emily: Here we are guys. The last chapter of 'Unfortunately We're Still Related.' It is a fairly short chapter but there will be another small chapter put up by next Wednesday to tie up some loose ends.

George: Seeing as this is the last chapter you guys should be feeling very generous with the reviews!

Disclaimer: You'd think after three stories they would let us have something but alas no, we still own nothing!

Chapter Seventeen – So long, farewell, auf weidersehn, goodbye.

Legolas pushed Ellette into Kai's already full arms and lunged forward intent on pulling Emily to safety. Emily, however, wrongly informed by the murderous glint in Legolas' eyes at the mention of Adam leapt backwards, right into the path of the on coming vehicle.

The bumper sent her crashing up into the windshield of the car and cracking it with her shoulder. She ascended over the top of the car and finally rolled off the boot and was left alone on the road as the car drove off.

Legolas numbed by the shock stood staring at the still body of his wife. It was not until he heard Pierre begin to cry in Kalin arms that he was shook out of his daze and ran to Emily's side. Slowly he knelt beside her and tenderly pulled her into his lap.

"Emily?" His voice caught in his throat.

After a few moments Emily let out a small groan and opened her eyes. "Am… I… in heaven?" She struggled to say. "Have I ever…told you, you look like an angel?"

"No." Whispered Legolas with a slight smile.

"Kai call an Ambulance!" Cried George.

"Ambulance! Ambulance!" Called Kai. "Wait…what is an ambulance?" He looked to Kalin who was staring dumbly at the scene before him.

George walked over in disbelief. This could not be happening. He knelt down and grabbed Emily's other hand, "You look rough."

"Thank you." Whispered Emily.

"Not just plain, old, hangover rough, I mean kind of, squishy, pulpy, in need of a doctor rough."

"You're…really not…helping." Croaked Emily.

Legolas looked up and tried to find Kalin through his tears. The darkling elf had been trained as a healer.

Kalin hurriedly placed Pierre in Kai's arms taking no heed of the other two babies that were already there.

"It's okay Kalin will fix you. Although you might need a plastic surgeon latter because I have a odd suspicion that your nose isn't supposed to do that."

Kalin knelt beside Emily and examined her gently. Legolas stared hopefully at his friend.

It was the hardest thing Kalin had ever done, he looked Legolas in the eye and only detectable to the elf before him shook his head; there was nothing he could do.

"That bad huh?" Emily tried to moved but figured that laying still was just as good.

"You are going to be fine." Legolas lied.

"Then why are you crying?"

"Because he is effeminate." George told himself.

"I take…it this is the end…of me then."

Legolas shook his head fiercely. "No, I won't let you go."

"Don't start quoting Titanic on me now…this is already bordering on depressing." Emily looked over at her brother.

"Why are you such an idiot?" George gasped out.

"I learnt from the best." She managed a smile.

"Kai's getting an ambulance."

Kai looked up. 'I'm thought he said call and ambulance, not get one!' It was at this point where upon his concentration needed for holding all three babies lapsed and he began to sway.

"No ambulance!" Emily jolted.

"Sssh lie still." Legolas held her closer.

"We have to get you to a hospital." Reasoned George.

"Take me back to Middle-earth."

"No, you need medical attention and maybe some heavy duty drugs."

"It's too late for that." Emily whispered.

"Don't say that." Legolas gripped reflexively on Emily's hand.

"I'm so sorry Legolas I'm…"

"Not like this…you can't leave me." Legolas pleaded.

"…so sorry."

Legolas shook his head in denial but even George could see Emily was slipping away.

"You cannot leave me on my own."

"I second that." Sniffed George beginning to crack.

"It's not up for a vote." Emily tried to smirk but managed a grimace instead.

"You've done this before, you can come back!"

"We're on earth…it won't work…not this time."

George bowed his head in resignation.

"Do me a favour?" Emily asked.

George nodded.

"Find out who was the first person that decided to eat the next white thing to come out of a chicken's bottom."

"Will do." George made a silent promise to himself.

"I need you two to look after the babies for me, don't let Kai sleep with Ellette as soon as…she reaches…her majority.

"

"They need their mother…I need their mother." Said Legolas brokenly.

"You promised that we'd die together a freak hill climbing accident!" George reminded.

"You'll have to do that… without me." Emily paused. "See you on the other side George." She whispered.

"If John was here, he'd cry too." George said goodbye with a private joke and stepped back.

"Wow who knew getting hit by a car could hurt so much…" Emily grimaced as she felt the pain in her lower body spread through her chest.

"I should have pulled you…"

"Don't blame yourself, please don't. Will you do one last thing for me?"

"Anything."

"You once promised me a poem…"

"I only managed one line…In all my years on Middle-earth I'd never seen true beauty until I met you…"

"Liar." Emily grinned slightly. "But it'll do though maybe you should sing it…I'd like that."

"I need to be held." Sniffed George in the background. Kalin being the only one with any arms free stepped forward and obliged in a completely non-gay way.

"Namarie ernilen." Whispered Emily.

"Namarie meleth nîn." Legolas replied.

It was just as Legolas kissed his wife goodbye for the last time that Kai lost his battle of holding the triplets and dropped one of the babies.

……

A/N: George: Here are the thank yous:

Ayiicalime – Ich liebe dich! You shall never be allowed to drive in fear of you trying to run my Leggy over.

Angel's Heart, Demon's Mind – I once joined some vampire thing and got some really cool pics! I got a vampire name to but I can't remember what it was...!

Lil Smartass – I lower myself to thanking you for you help and you go and get all egotistical on me! Just because people love me more than you! Stop trying to get credit for my stuff!

Chaotic Jinx – George with a girl…hmmm…well I could take inspiration from his real life girlfriend… I'm getting my lip pierced in March and I'm already excited! Hah ha ha!

Limpet666 – I tried to join aim but it went pooey. I'll try again sometime! (Come back to MSN!) Hey I wanna sleep for twenty hours. My record is sixteen and a half. I got jenked, poor me! Glad you liked the traffic cone bit.

DreamWeaverEveninMist – Hopefully this is as good. It's kind of hard to be funny when you are dying.

Poolbum – Sorry about the K brothers. Everything kind of got slower towards this chapter, we didn't want then pissing about before my impending death!


	18. Epilogue

A/N: George: Here is the Epilogue for you.

Emily: Who knew dying could be so exhilarating!

Disclaimer: Dearest Tolkien, as a reward for killing myself off and practically committing professional suicide, please can I keep Legolas? Yours truly, Emily.

Tolkien: After you massacred my book you are lucky I am letting you borrow that poor elf!

Epilogue.

"It's your birthday…I…um…got you a present." Legolas placed a small parcel at the base of his wife's grave. He read the epitaph which George had chosen many years ago. It read, 'If it was not for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable.' Legolas smiled slightly. "The children are doing fine, Ellette is the spitting image of you, she even has your attitude, although she swears a lot less, anyway I don't think Gandalf will be returning to Mirkwood any time soon." Legolas took a deep breath. "I miss you so much, I miss you yelling at me, I miss you swearing all the time then blaming on Terrettes, whatever that is, Valar I even miss those peanut butter and jelly sandwiches! Your brother…he…he still has not returned. Do you think I should look for him?" A small breeze gathered strength and circled Legolas, it then headed into a small alcove that held one of Thranduil's prized ornaments and knocked it over. "You never did like that vase. I shall find George for you, I promise…"

"Daddy!" A voice called from within the forest.

"I had better go and see what Ellette wants. I fear it may have to do with Kai threatening to take Pierre and Xavier fishing, I have doubts that he meant for fish." Legolas brushed a hand over the grave. "Naamarie meleth nin."

……

A/N: George: Now before you pitchfork us for the shortness of that chapter hear us out. We thought this was the perfect ending for all our characters. However, as you can see we have hinted at a plot that is contained in the fourth in the trilogy of the 'related' stories. We are still having doubts whether or not we should put the fourth one up. We were but then we thought you guys might not want it because there is no Emily in it.

Emily: If you do want number four which is called, "Do we have to be Related?" let us know. If not, this is goodbye from Emily and George. Thank you to everyone who reviewed numbers one to three, especially to those who keep coming back, we love you guys! Here are the thank yous for the last chapter:

Poolbum – I am officially dead! Sorry I ruined your good day!

Lil Smartass – Don't start up those gay rumours again! George will kill me.

DreamWeaverEveninMist - It is also sad for me. I am no longer!

Ayiicaalime – You shall never have the cardboard cut-out!

Limpet666 – It's up to you lot if you want a sequel or not but yep I am no more!

Angel's Heart, Demon's Mind – If you want to know what happens to the baby you'll have to beg for a sequel!


End file.
